As Autumn approaches...

Well....it's technically here.... But it doesn't feel like it yet. :-P

Recap!!.....

That deep tissue massage I got the day I left True North was EPIC. BEST massage I've ever hard, hands down. And wow was is deeeeeeeeep..... I felt a little sick to my stomach afterwards and was shaking from the release. *sigh* Clearly I still have a long ways to go in the "toxic" department. If I go visit Ray in November (which I'm thinking I will), then I'll also see if I can schedule an appointment for another delicious massage. :-)

Uncle Tom Videos

We shot two more videos for Uncle Tom...and they were quite entertaining. The best we've done yet. We *tried* to shoot them before I had left for True North, but I ended up throwing up so we postponed till I got back. And we're all glad for it, cause I actually had energy then. 

 Baking Queen!

Since being back, my diet has been totally gluten (actually, ALL grains), dairy, meat, and oil free. There's been a tiny bit of salt and sugar, though. And I quickly discovered that refined sugar just doesn't sit well with me AT ALL....so that's been gone now for the past week. Instead, I've been satisfying my sweet tooth with whole foods like dates, bananas, and watermelon. My body thanks me for it.

We've been having company over on Friday nights, so I've been testing out my baking skills. The first time I made a lemon poppy seed cake (from a recipe I got off of straightupfoods.com). It was good, but didn't quite do it for me. So the next time around, I changed and added some things and made a Cherry Garcia cake instead. And holy crap... it turned out AMAZING. It was so moist, but firm...and just delicious. And to boot, mom make Cherry Garcia ice cream to go with it (made from coconut cream).

Yes, we're all having a blast around here making yummy foods and don't have a bunch of crap in them. 

Ren Fair round ONE

I went to the Ren Fair down in Hollister with some co-workers from Carver. We had a blast...just walking around looking at all the shops and seeing a couple of shows. (Broon was HILARIOUS!). Unfortunately, I got heat exhaustion and ended up throwing up a few times on the way back, and then had to crash at their place since I was out for the count. Man did my throat buuuuuuurn. (This was actually more alarming than usual, and I'm concerned for the well-being of my esophagus). 

Before going to bed, they asked if they should leave the house alarm off. But I asured them the only doors I'd be opening were the one of the bathroom...so they turned it on. THEN... in the middle of the night, I was wanting some fresh air and wanted to open the window, but I had the thought Will this set off the alarm? They didn't say anything about windows...only doors... I decided to chance it, and started opening the window... and set off their alarm. *facepalm* I felt really guilty for waking them up, but they were really sweet about it, assuring me that they've done it themselves. 

What's happening now...

Exercise!

I've been going to the gym 3-5 times per week. I've realized that the best time to go is either right after I get up, or right after BV.... And generally I don't eat till after I get back home. If I wait and eat first...then I usually just end up not going at all. 

I've been doing the Body for Life workout technique, which still really works for me...so I'll just keep doing it till it doesn't. I warm up on the bike or row machine, then do an upper or lower body workout..and then swim for about 25 minutes. And all of that without eating...and I have tons of energy and feel fantastic, and don't feel hungry. 

There's been a few times when I just didn't feel like driving to the gym (because of the heat or time frame), so I've gotten in some good home workouts. We have the TRX and trampoline, and that's all I need, really. :-)

Onward!...To trampoline!

More salad...less cooking.

When I got back home from True North, I discovered that I was having a hard time with over eating. That happened last time and I know it's because there are emotions I store in my belly that I don't want to feel (so I stuff myself with food....albeit healthy food...but still WAY too much). But on the more physical side of things, I figured out that I was eating too much cooked stuff, and not enough raw... So I've been making a point to eat a salad every morning, and that's been a tremendous help. Not to mention, I freaking LOVE it. This salad is just SO fantastic, I could seriously eat it every day for the rest of my life and I'm sure I won't get tired of it. 

Ingredients:

(as much of this as possible is organic)

• Romaine
• Spinach
• Cilantro
• Purple onion
• Beans
• Corn 
• Tofu
• Salsa
• Apple cider vinegar
• Costco brand "No salt" seasoning 
• And if I'm okay with adding some fat: Avocado and white corn tortilla chips 

Dance workshop and....Fever?

Sunday I went to a dance workshop (4 + hours). It was a lot of fun and I learned some new things..especially as a lead (which I wasn't doing then..but it helped boost my confidence to try). Then after that I visited with Mykel, and as always, had a great time. Then after that, I was going to go back and dance some more, but wasn't feeling it, so I went home, made a homemade banana split, and went to bed. 

The next day, it appeared that I was developing a chest cold...nothing serious, so I wasn't concerned. But that night, I started getting a fever, and the following day was MISERABLE. The whole day my skin crawled and was painful to the touch...and I just felt like crap. And canceled all my gigs for the next day (today) since I didn't know how long it would last. I also had to play for a concert over at North Highlands High. I just slapped a smile on my face and hung in there till I could get back home and crash land on my bed, desperately fighting the urge to throw up...which I didn't!!! Hurrah! (It's the small victories)

Life is definitely better. I'm more relaxed in the present moment and enjoying all of my jobs. I've still got goals and plans, but I'm not as fixated on them as I use to be....I never liked that feeling, and it's nice to be freed from it. My main goal right now is to keep working off my debt that I accrued over the summer by going to the workshops down south...so I can go to more!

Leaving

Welp....all my bags are packed up and in my car. The only thing left is a deep issue massage at noon (and I'm very excited about it. It'll be from the same guy who I had the cranial sacral session with). I've got rehearsal tonight at First Cov (aka: River City Christian)...so I'll be hitting the ground running, so-to-speak. I wonder how different I look now. I weighed 124.8 this morning (it seems my weight balanced out there...which is groovy). I don't really feel like I look that much different, but I suppose I'll find out when people see me.

One thing different from last time is you can place a meal order to go! So they're packing me lunch and dinner. This is me....being very excited about that. :-)



Yesterday I FINALLY had enough energy to go to the grave yard and walk around. I no longer feel like I can't breath when I stand, so that's encouraging. (yes....too many double negatives there...but I'm rolling with it). I remembered the grave yard being beautiful and peaceful, but I had forgotten just how increddibly beautiful it was. Breath taking. And the leaves were brown and dying, and the sky was cloudy, and a slight breeze was blowing. It's like Autumn just *poof!* arrived on the scene.



This time just flew by suddenly! At first it was soooooo slow...but here we are now.... totally done and leaving in a few hours. There was so much I got out of this time and I'm so glad I came. Besides a good ol' fashion hardcore detox, I also discovered that I might have a sensitivity to grains...or at least oats. I need to experiment now. AND I had a great revelation on how much I've grown and changed...how I've cultivated my feminine. Just be interacting with people (espeically the men), I see how my energy effects them positively and I see my reflection in their eyes...and it's a new me. I had this old concept of who I was.... small, a fake, insignificant, not worth people's time, etc..... just a lot of negative stuff. And then, seemingly all of the sudden, that's not the case at all.... I know it never was the case to begin with, but now I actually see it and feel it. A powerful sense of worth. It was almost like being at a workshop it was so potent for me.

Day 12: Get the raw on!

This morning's weight: 123.2  (yeah....buddy)

Today I braved a small bowl of fruit...and it went very well. :-) It's the small things, ya know? Then lunch consisted of some leftover blended zucchini mixed with salad stuff from the bar. I would have added a small bit of potato, but non was out. Maybe it's for the best...... Maybe it's for dinner instead? ;-)

My moon time started today..which is exciting...cause I could feel it coming for DAYS and just wanted to it come and be here. The only slight problem is this: my last urine sample showed a little bit of blood....nothing to be concerned about, and not abnormal for fasters. But since I'm eating now, there shouldn't be any. Well.... tomorrow is "pee day" but since I'm bleeding, then for SURE there will be blood in my sample. *facepalm* My solution is to take a shower, rinse off rrreeeeeeaaaaalllly well, and then quickly pee in the cup. Hopefully that works. We'll see.

End day 11.... hmmmmm

So the zucchini didn't sit well. Well....not that it didn't sit well. More like...it felt like it was getting stuck in my throat and stomach. It was painful and uncomfortable. So I called the intern and he went and blended it up for me, and changed my days order to all blended. It was SO much food! With every single cup I only drank half.... so now there's a pile of cups in the fridge. Hehe. But at least it went down just fine. Tomorrow I get raw......so we'll see how that goes.

Last night I tried to lay out under the stars again...but one of the guys here was talking my ear off and I just couldn't hang around. He was creating so many excuses for himself and has this strange twitchy kind of energy. Too much. Too draining. So I went to my room, relaxed, and finished writing a post for bookstory. A good way to end the night.

Day 11... Squash and Zucchini

Last night (before bed), I hung out outside with Shaun and chatted for quite a while...till about 9:30pm. It finally got too cold for me, so I went to bed and pretty much fell asleep right away. And sleep I did....all through the night!! It was GLORIOUS! Finally....a full nights sleep..so restful.

C & L were in my dream....and I was on the Bay Bridge when someone had planted bombs on it at some particular section (not the whole thing)...I ran for it and jumped just as the second went off, and then that section collapsed...  Strange.

Now it's 8:00am..... I've been awake since 7:00....just lying here, enjoying the coooool morning air wafting through my window. The docs haven't done their morning rounds yet..but I need to remember to ask them if the squash is brought to me, or if I just get it at the bar...and what time my chiropractic appointment is.

That's it for now. So nice to be feeling human again. *cue Beauty and the Beast song*

Day..er.....10... AKA: Juice!

Well now.... my energy just kept going down hill, and I couldn't really look at my computer screen for very long without getting a headache...so it was difficult to update.

2 days ago (day 8) I saw the cranial sacral therapist here. It was a GREAT session, and it helped open my heart back up again (sometime after the David Deida workshop, it closed up hard and I have to struggling to open it). I didn't have a huge cry, but nice little one. Very therapeutic and grounding. Just what I needed.

The past few days have been beastly hot...which I think was contributing to my lack of energy and overall sense of blah. So I would wait and go out in the evening and just lay down on one of the retractable lounge chairs..and watch the dusk turn into night. It was healing and helpful.

Yesterday (day 9) was one of the hardest (next to day 2)... I was so ready to be done and getting very frustrated with being unable to stand for more than a minute...which started taking it's toll and my legs have been very restless while I trying to sleep.

So today I get juice! I asked for watermelon/celery for the first juice....but I think the intern might have put it into the system wrong....cause so far...that's ALL I've been getting. Heh. I suppose it's not a bad thing. :-)

I'm still very weak, but at least I can stand for about 3-5 minutes without wanting to collapse. Each day will get better!! I'm very glad now that I didn't extend the fast one more day...I'm going to leave on Wednesday and need to be able to hit the ground running when I get back...with rehearsals and gigs and all that fun jazz.

Day 7.. a tad better.

Today's starting weight: 125.8! Whee!!

I was too out of it yesterday to write. Phew. And didn't sleep great to boot. But! I seem to have a bit more energy today.... I had labs drawn at 8am, and then lied out in the cool morning air. Chatted with Nike for quite a bit, then went to the cooking demo at 10am. Yes... it was torturous......but I learned some cool things to take home with me (and that was the point). Nike and I sat in the back so the smell wouldn't be super powerful. Dear Lord...it smelled amazing.

Then I went back outside and chatted via text with Sarah... But once the aromas from the kitchen started getting too strong, I just had to leave. It smelled like pizza... PIZZA! For crying out loud. So incredible. Well anyway... I only have two days left after this... I've made it this far... I can make two more days.



Side note: detox body odor is RANK!!!! And shows up 5 minutes after washing.... there's no winning with this one.

End of day 5...still can hardly stand...

So I still can't really stand for very long without feeling like I can't breathe.... BUT.. I can sit and lay down noooooo problem. Well....I can sit for longer than I can stand... and I can lay down for as long as I want..So that's what I did all day...and I did most of it outside. :-) You know..it's perfect weather here ALL THE TIME!!! So it's easy to be outside. (We're suppose to get some sun, but not much...hence, I spent most of my time in the shade)

Today, Henry and I sat and talked for the longest we've done yet.... I like maybe 4 or 5 hours, judging on meal times (ehhh...that makes sense to me, if no one else...) We've have such wonderful conversations that jump all over the place... naturally, we always end up talking about music at least twice during the perpetual exchange. He has such amazing stories! I could seriously listen to him for hours on end. And it was nice to see how my feminine presence was refreshing him. Good stuff, all the way around.

Can't forget to pee in my cup tomorrow morning! (Mondays......)

Day 5...back to just water

Sleep was pretty decent last night... I was totally out like a light when the docs came for their morning around (which usually isn't the case). So far so good!.. again..... But I'm starting to feel some low back pain....again..... Here's hoping it doesn't get any worse than this. It's at a 2 currently.

I finally made it to the 10am "lecture"..which was meditation. We filled the back room, and the teacher is so excited about meditation, she offered to do it every day with us at 9:30am. Haha! I'm down. Rock on.

Today needs to be an outside day... I can hardly stand for more than a minute without feeling like I can't breath, but then I'm fine once I sit. So sit I will do...and by the fountain..and read...(and blog)...

I don't remember that little shark being in there before....and it's positively adorable!

End of day 4...here come the hunger pangs....again.

The day started with one cup (aka 16 oz) of juice.....and then a mix of another cup of juice and water for the rest of the day till the evening....and now it's been just water for the past 4 hours. And here we go again with the hunger pangs... *facepalm* And tomorrow is back to only water...so we'll see what happens. Got my fingers crossed that I can make it the rest of the way without any aids!

I could move *much* faster today, but noticed that I feel like I'm not getting enough oxygen when I stand for too long... and by "too long" I mean 5 minutes. I keep forgetting to mention that when the doctors do their rounds. Perhaps now that I'm writing it, I'll remember come morning.

Day 4.... And ALIVE!!!

Today's weight: 128

The end of day 2 started going down hill....fast. By 5:30, I started throwing up...followed by severe lower back pain... I mean writhing and moaning in bed kind of pain, and no matter which way I turned or laid, there was no making it better... or worse for that matter. It was hitting an 8/10 on the pain scale, and for me, that's saying something.

After another round of vomiting (which was SO difficult to do because of the lower back pain...every time I contracted, pain would radiate everywhere), I finally broke down and called the Doctor who was on call that night, and she brought me some broth  and put an ice pack on my back. I could hardly touch the broth because of the nausea, but the ice packed started to help a bit.

She left, and about 2 hours later I needed to puke again. And then the back pain flared right back up, with no sign of release. So I called her again (after all...she was the one to say to call her if I threw up again). By this time it was around 11pm, and I had woken her up (kinda felt guilty about that). After a brief talk, we decided that I should have some juice, and she got up to make me some, and brought it to me. SUCH a sweetheart!!

She got me a new ice pack, took my vitals, and encouraged me to hang in there...that it's just detoxing and it's quite common.

I managed a few more hours of sleep before vomiting AGAIN! And then managed a bit of sleep.

The following day (day 3) I moved like a very old lady and slept most of the day. Sssooooooo slow. Phew. But they gave me juice for the whole day since I lost most of my electrologists and LOTS of fluid (I dropped 5 pounds! Yikes! (I went from 132.2 to 127.8).

This morning I'm feeling much better, and am able to move "faster"..... faster than a 90 year old, at least. Heh. And able to write....clearly. :-) I think I'll take my computer outside and write to work on my story for our Book Story.

Day 2 - Hangin' in there!

This mornings weight: 132.2

Last night wasn't the best...lots and lots of tossing and turning and a general sense of blah. I never threw up, so that's nice, I suppose. But my limbs just wouldn't get comfortable. I woke up at 1:30am...WIDE awake. *facepalm* So I just tried to relax and find positions that were acceptable for said relaxation. 

After the docs checked up on me, I decided to take a shower. We're technically not suppose to....because they're worried about patients falling over and hurting themselves. But with my achy body, I knew it would help... and sure enough, it did. I mean.. I still ache, but I do at least feel a little bit more human. Currently, there's a hot pad on my lower back (lesson learned from last time = hot pads are amazing). 

I read my old posts from last time, and that was also an encouragement...just to see how miserable I was. (I couldn't remember...all I could remember is how amazing I felt by day 5 and the rest of the time. Heh!) 

I'm more bundled up today...at least for right now. It's cool outside and feels wonderful, so my plan is to take my book and hot water bottle, and hangout out there and read. 

Day 1 ends... finally!!!

Well this day seemed to last forever! Talk about the time dragging. Phew! I managed to pass most of it with reading and watching a few T.V shows... I also sat in the sun and wrote in my journal, but then started feeling strange and thought it would be best to just lay down and rest.

The hunger pangs are much less, though I do still feel hungry...but now my whole body feels like it's made from lead.....sooooooo heavy. And I'm starting to feel a tad sick to my stomach.

I think I'll just hit the lights and go to bed early..... very early.

Day 1 - The Journey starts and Midday hunger pangs

Today's starting weight: 134.4 

This fasting go-a-round, I have a different doctor...and I love her! Great energy: warm, grounded, sweet, and fun. Our first introduction was me inadvertently starling her as she was leaving the bathroom just as I was trying to go in. There's nothing more to that story...I just thought it was funny...and a comical way to meet someone for the first time (instead of walking into their office, shaking hands, having a seat, etc...)

Since I HAVE to leave no later than the 16th, we're making the most of it, and letting me do a 9 day fast, with a 4 day re-feed. Of course...I'm realizing now that I had said I was leaving on the 15th...so I wonder if I could do 10 day instead....hmmmmmmm..... That can always be worked out later. I'll be getting some labs done on Sunday (day 5), so then we'll re-assess how I'm doing and go from there.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't have breakfast in the hopes that I could start the fast today..and sure enough, I was right. So today has been day one!....Around 1:00pm I started feeling hunger pangs...and now I'm really feeling it. OI! But at the same time, it's nice to feel hungry...since the past weeks have consisted of me not feeling hungry. It feels normal. :-) Besides the pangs, it's been "so far, so good." Though currently as I write I can feel a tinge of a headache. :-P

Also...I forgot how the day slows WAY down when I'm not consumed with thinking about food, making food, and eating food. Wow does that take up a lot of brain power.... This day has been forever. And it's only 4:15pm....

Fasting at True North, ROUND TWO!!

Last week, I had this horrible feeling that something was really wrong with my gut....it seemed like things just weren't working right, though I couldn't really pinpoint it. (Though it did seem like food would hurt after eating, no matter what I ate). I had already canceled German choir due to not feeling well, and the week before I had to drag myself through rehearsal. So I finally said 'enough of this feeling like crap'...and I called up True North.

Now...here I am! One week later. I took off work, moved some things around, and badabing badaboom, I made it happen. I'm SO thankful they had space, and that *I* had space in my own schedule. Unfortunately, I don't actually have the money to be here...so I'll only be here for two weeks. But as I've been saying: It's better to be in debt and be happy and full of vigor and life, than to not be in debt and be miserable and sick all the time. I'm so over feeling like crap more often than not, and all this throwing up, and missing out on my own life. Seriously, I've thrown up more in the past year than in my whole life. It's time to get all this crap out of my system and LIVE.

Since I haven't seen a doctor yet, I'm can't start the fast...but I've hardly been eating...so I'm practically there already. :-P And I've been prepping for it, eating only fruits and veggies, so I'm hoping I can start first thing tomorrow. I won't eat breakfast, just in case. :-)

Last time (5 years ago) I started with a platelet count of 16K, and weighed 142lbs.
This time my count is somewhere in the 60's (last I checked in May), and weigh 135lbs. Rock on.

I left at 8am, right after an adjustment with the chiropractor, and hit TONS of traffic... but didn't care, because I was listing to Game of Thrones and in *zero* rush....which, really, should always be the case... it makes my driving experience much more pleasurable. 

Hanging in there with August

August was the month for weekend gigging, schools starting back up, and a slow decline in my health. (More to come on that point).

We had some old friends visit for two weeks, and Jess and Leah made amazing dinners the whole time. I mean every night was incredible, and it seemed to just get better and better. Our vegan ways of eating was definitely different for them, but they really enjoyed it and were inspired to take their new found diet change home with them. :-) The picture here is tofu spring rolls, and dear Lord were they out of this world. SO GOOD! I'm drooling just thinking of them again.

I stepped a little bit out of my comfort zone and went to a thing in midtown called Whiskey, Wine, and Spirits Festival. (Apparently it was the first time they had done this, and they're hoping it won't be the last.) What got me hooked was the theme was Great Gatsby! And there was rumor of dancing. So naturally, I just had to go! However...the unfortunate bit is the friend I was going with caught the flu the morning of, and couldn't make it. But I was resolute to go and have a good time. I ran to the craft store and got materials for a head band and ear rings, then rushed home, threw it together, and then away I went! And a good time was had indeed... No dancing, but still fun to just look at all the glowing, beautiful women and men. :-)

At one point, I was sitting down and people watching. I loved how everyone was meeting everyone's gaze, and acknowledging everyone's beauty. So I'm sitting there....occasionally a man would look at me and go, "Wow." or give me a head nod. I felt like a goddess. :-) Then this couple stops a few feet in front of me and the woman is saying something to the man, pointing at me. I laugh and make some comment like, "I have a feeling you're talking about me..."

Then she says, "I was just telling him how beautiful you look! You look like a work of art! I want to take your picture!"

Needless to say, I was honored and blushing and acquiesced her request. And then invited her to take a picture with me, cause she was also a work of art!  

We started another round of Mind's Eye videos....and this batch is WAY better than the last. More thought and care is going in it...and we're also just have way more fun, too. (Of course, Jess is the one who is making this what it is. He's a fantastic director.)

HUGE pattern for the skirt...and my first time making a pattern.
(Needs work, apparently)

The theme for this month's end of the month Blues dancing was Heaven vs. Hell. I was SO stoked when I found this out, and had been looking forward to it for well over a month....including making my own outfit (a sexy angel). But come Sunday, I started feeling crappy, and by the end of the day, I was puking my brains out and didn't make it. Which is leading into my next post.....

Ojai, round two! Women's Embodiment

This past weekend was the woman's workshop in Ojai... Here's the adventure sum up:

The drive there consisted of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (read by Stephan Fry!), heating a burrito by setting it on the dash, tribal drum music through the mountains, and then a quick swim at the hotel before the workshop. (I stayed with two other ladies, one whom I made friends with from the last time I was there). They were a hoot.

The workshop itself was all about embodiment and feeling, well, everything, in the body. Pleasure. Pain. Everything in between. It was intense...and a very different kind of intense than the Deida workshop (for me, at any rate). The Deida intensive was like diving into a deep, clear, cool lake... This was like face-planting into a quagmire. Pretty much everything that I deeply struggle with came bubbling to the surface, and all the "negative" (or rather, unloving) parts of me were exposed. Phew. Rough. But awesome. Here are some of my take-a-ways:

• I'm learning there is no such thing as 'right' and 'wrong'...everything just is. It is exactly as it should be. No more, no less. Everything I feel, everything that arises... it just...is. 
• I have a few new tools/practices I can do to help feel pleasure in my body. 
• I have a deeper appreciation for stillness, silence, and the art of listening. 
• My understanding of what it means to be embodied has expanded.
• I DO have passion in my body, and I AM passionate about things... I just haven't been feeling them. (Been too busy suppressing things)

It rained nearly the whole time! Lightening, thunder, and HUGE fat rain drops. It was fantastic. 

After it ended (around 6pm), I decided to stay one more night and then drive home in the morning. And boy was I SO glad I did! About 30 minutes later, it started raining again...POURING! And it was warm and humid.... So of course, I dressed in something that made me feel sexy and comfortable, and went for about an hour long walk... strolling around Ojai, just looking at different shops and things and letting my feet take me where they want to go. I got soaked, and it was wonderful.

A homeless man came up to me at one point, clearly impressed and intrigued that someone else was walking around without an umbrella. The conversation went roughly like this, sans the mumbling:

Guy: How many versions of Tombstone have you seen?

Me with a smile: Oh many.

Guy gives me a thumbs up, clearly pleased with my answer. I chuckle and continue walking as he continues walking the other way. Then he mumbles something, so I come back to him with a "huh?"

Guy: You are the sexiest woman I've ever seen!

Me: Oh! (And I laugh) Thank you! (And then start walking again)

Guy: Great day for gettin' married..

I turn back toward him, laughingly lightheartedly.

Guy: You've got great birthing hips!!

I must say...most straightforward advance I've ever encountered. Heh.

Then I encountered another man, in his 20's I think, also walking without an umbrella and carrying a pack of beers. He was also enjoying the fact that I was umbrella-less.... it was like being in some unspoken club. We exchanged brief conversation, and then continued on.

Then I stopped by a market, got some food for the evening and the drive home. On the walk back to my car with my grocery bag on my hip, a middle-aged man pulls his car over and calls out to me, VERY concerned, "Do you need a ride??"  I laughed and smiled, "No. I'm enjoying this! Thank you!"

Once I got back to the hotel, I was about to explode with feelings...I could hardly take it. I was loving the rain , humidity, and the adventure, but totally missing having company to share it with. And then just everything from the workshop. It was too much...so I very intentionally watched some T.V and pursued facebook. I think that was the first time I was so deliberate with my "checking out" media time. It was nice. 

And of course, the drive back was glorious. I listened to Game of Thrones.... now I want to see the show. *facepalm*

 

Up and down but at least it's forward

It's mid July now. The summer has gone well. thus far.. I've been exercising nearly daily, dancing more (including pole), and crafting more... a lot more. I made a box for my essential oils and a jewelry tree...which I'm as pleased as punch about it. :-) And this weekend is the woman's workshop in Ojai! So all in all...it's a good summer. Am I happy?.... Meh. It comes and goes. Up and down. Overall, no.... But things are still shifting. Dust is still *everywhere*. At least I'm moving. I'm literally moving my body..and figuratively moving forward in my projects. It'll get better. I'm starting to get that "something's coming" sense again. It's faint....and maybe it's just the hope that it's there...but I'm pretty sure it is. And of course, time will tell. Last time I had this, a few months later, I met Scott. So we'll see where this one takes me. For now... I'll just keep moving. Keep dancing. Keep exercising. Keep my body moving. Things are bound to shake off if you wiggle for long enough.

And on a totally different note...

There are grass spiders all over the place, now. It's because I don't kill them. :-) I let them run around and they just keep getting bigger and bigger (at least the ones that survive and aren't eaten by Zoe). Jess was cleaning the bathroom the other day and makes a sound. I come in and there's a huge grass spider by the toilet. I felt this wave of calm come over me, and I bent down and put my left hand on the floor...and used my right hand to guild her onto me. She walked up onto my hand very calmly, and slowly crawled up my arm as I took her outside. It was really a fantastic feeling. I remember when I use to be terrified of these... they are FAST and "meaty" looking (though not as meaty as wolf spiders). It's wonderful to have so much compassion and love for them now. They are beautiful creatures, and so misunderstood.

The summer chapter begins!

I'm officially done with Carver... turned in my key today. It was a groovy 4 years, full of blood, sweat, and tears. I'm sad to go, but happy at the same time. I can already start to feel a shift and doors that will open to me.

I decided to leave because the stress level did not equal the reward. Too much driving, in WAY too much traffic, and killing too much time because of the hours... Even though I love seeing the kids grow, and seeing the light on their faces when they "get it"... it's ultimately not what I want to be doing...and it was slowly killing me.


So now it's time to work on ME....

• Tomorrow I'll be going to a belly dancing class for the first time ever, and not the last. :-D So excited!!!
• I've already bought Rosetta Stone and have done the first two lessons (German). I like it's style, and have a feeling I'll be speaking German sooner than later. (It helps that I studied in high school...granted, for only a year...but still...)
• I'm going to a woman's workshop in July....so I'm setting a few goals for myself to reach before I get there. The mainly consist of dancing and getting more fit...which will go hand in hand. :-)
• As far as music goes, I have LOTS of plans.... Making a demo of Scarborough, finishing Am Fischerhaus, composing and arranging a few tunes, and getting my website up.... And by the end of summer, I'll know if I want to take the route of Masters, or do something else.
• I have a feeling I need to study massage and energy work more...and possibly make some money in that field. 

I am LOVING who I am...and who I'm becoming. I am ever changing. I am a goddess!

Can we say "been a while?"... Yes... yes we can...

So..... SO much has happened since my last post. I wonder if I'll ever find my groove again when it comes to posting more regularly. I hope so...because I enjoy going back and reading old things I wrote that have been completely forgotten. But alas..here we are... with a brief sum up of the past 5 months... *facepalm*

January:

My niece...being ADORABLE.

• I started doing a lot more ballroom dancing...and bought a few of their New Years deals... one of which included 2 private lessons. (I totally forgot that I have this...and need to use it!!!)
• Mom and I went to visit Rob.... it was like summer down there!
• I wrote an arrangement of Barry White's "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe" for Classical Revolution. Unfortunately, I had rehearsal when the performed it (in February), so I didn't get to hear it... Rumor is it went very well.

February:

• I ended things with Scott and moved back in with my folks. It was past time.. We're still friends, but my life is heading in a very different direction...and it turns out that his "train" wasn't the one I wanted to be on. 
• Rob came up and built me the coolest "Cafe Corner" (as I'm calling it)... bed underneath, sitting area above. It's actually not finished yet...but it's still awesome.
• Jess came with me to work (Carver) for a few weeks to help out with the play and do some Q&A for the kids in the drama class.
• We had the Pacific Sangerbund at the Turn Verein hall...it was nice to not have to travel for it this year. We performed Am Fischerhaus again, which was a huge hit and a lot of the directs approached me afterwards wanting a copy..... Hmmmmm...now I need to write out an actual piano part.
• I joined ARC's JV2 group to help out again....and it was a fantastic group!

March:

• I CUT MY HAIR REALLY SHORT! :-D Well..... the shortest it's ever been. I donated it. I love it. I look mature and feel gorgeous. (Though... I already miss my long hair). It was also symbolic for me: to cut off the old and start anew. 
• I also got my ears pierced at an actually tattoo/piercing place instead of the mall. It hurt just the same...maybe less? And is *way* more effective since they take a chunk of your ear out. Hehehe. This is the first time in my life that I'm really enjoying having earrings... So much so, that I want another piercing. :-)
• I signed up for a David Deida workshop!!! HOLY CRAP! (More to come on that...)
• I got my bike working and all fixed! Now to get shoes so I can actually ride it.....
• Disneyland!! Always a good time. :-) Though this year something a little bit different happened. I was reading David Deida's "It's a Guy Thing" on the way down on the bus..... nearly the whole time, so that's 5-6 hours of reading. Needless to say, by the time we got down there, I was in a slightly different state and feeling very open....

...So the next day was our performance...and mid-way through the second piece (a lovely, flowing song in 6/8), the thought just popped into my head, "How could you play right now that would open the audience? Open your own heart?" I'm not sure what exactly I did, per-say, but I DID do something.... I could feel it.
Afterwards, I got a LOT of "You're amazing" comments...more than usual.... which I thought was a little odd, because I didn't think they were exceptionally difficult pieces.. at least not difficult enough to warrant such kudos.

Girl 1: "Is that a real duck?"
Girl 2: "Of course it's not a real duck!"
It was...

Then the next day, we go to California Adventure... I'm standing in the park, waiting for people and looking down at my phone, texting Steph..when I hear, "Oh my god! You're that fabulous pianist!" I look up to see one of the other directors who had been at the festival. I say, "You're that fabulous director!!" And we chat for a bit and he showers me with complements. Then Wendy comes over and he tells her to never let me go.

After we parted, I was thinking to myself, "No really... the music wasn't THAT spectacular or anything. I KNOW I've played more challenging stuff...." And then it occurred to me, the difference between all those other times and *this* time was me opening my heart, and opening the audience. Neat.....

April:

• My degree final came in the mail! It says 2012 on it, instead of 2011...but by this point, no one cares. I've been working as a musician for so long (even before I graduated) that it now feels about as important as a high school diploma. Well.... at least I have it so I can get my Masters! 
• By this point, I was really feeling the sting of not having a man in my life anymore and all that comes with breaking up. Even though it was gentle and easy... it still sucked. But Jess and Leah are pretty much the two most amazing people ever, and they've been helping me get through it... Including leaving me a smattering of "love' notes on my bathroom mirror. --->
• I got a music director and accompanist gig for Beauty and the Beast at Sac Country Day....which led to a few impromptu visits to the river and more David Deida reading. Really relaxing and it got more movement in my life..especially around doing something different, even if it's something like driving down a different road...or stopping by the river for lunch. :-)

May:

• During our final performance at ARC with the vocal jazz ensembles, I realized that I severely miss singing in an advanced ensemble...and decided that I would try out for Art's and move my life in that direction...with also a heavier emphases on composing and arranging. 
• Jess took new head shots of me for my business cards and whatnot. I'm very pleased. And I made my new cards *just* in time for Sam's musical theater class.....cause everyone wanted one. Phew!
• My platelets were 52 right before I left for the workshop. WHOOHOO! (I'm beginning to think that the 60's or thereabouts IS normal for me.....)
• The rest of May consisted of the usual teaching, and putting together Beauty and the Beast...which ended up being surprisingly good, all things considered. But the most exciting part was:
• DAVID DEIDA WORKSHOP!!!! :-D

For my drive down, I took a "ninja" route through the middle of nowhere and then through a fantastic national forest...with NO cars, and a 20 mile drive that required zero gas peddle. It was magical and just the thing I needed to ground me from the long drive. I was so refreshed by the time I got to the hotel, it was amazing.

The workshop itself was beyond incredible. I know everyone has their own take-a-way and experience of the weekend...but for me... I got everything I wanted and so much more... so very much more.

When I got back, the very next day I had a BV's concert to play for, so I practiced opening my heart and opening the audience (like I did in March). I had to bolt right after because of another gig, so I wasn't able to get any feedback or find out if anyone was opened.... But then 5 days later, in a grocery store parking lot, I head, "Oh my god! You're that fabulous pianist!" No joke.... the exact same thing from March....

I did a, "Wait what who me?" thing.... I seriously didn't know he was talking to me at first, it caught me that off guard. Then we talked...well.... HE talked, or rather GUSHED about how amazing I was... including randomly burst out with "YOU'RE A GODDESS!" I was so floored and flattered, all I could do was smile and say thank you. My heart was bursting open.

I have MANY stories from the workshop itself...but that isn't for online/public viewing..for multiple reasons. :-) But.... I will say: That weekend changed my life.

I also discovered a new cough remedy... which is honey poured over a chopped onion...then let to sit for a few hours....then collect the liquid that's made from it and drink a few table spoons as needed. I call it.... Honion!

And I've been eating WAAAAAY better and since being back from the workshop, have been exercising every day. I've got some cool plans for the summer....now I just need to make a schedule so I'll actually get them done.

Healthy cheesecake made by Leah! It was incredible.

2014 Recap....Enter 2015: A humdinger!

September recap:

• I took a swimming class this semester. It was a great life lesson: "One stroke in front of the next." Swimming 500s seemed almost impossible at first....but you just keep swimming, and the next thing you know, you're there! 
• I finally got the ball rolling with actually getting my degree....you know..the paper. The school STILL thought I had classes to take, which is better than what I thought it thought...which was that I owed money. So that's all taken care of now.
• I saw Mykel for the first time.... that woman is amazing and has changed my life...for-ev-er!

October recap:

• Ocktoberfest! 
• We did our first school wide field trip..... I took my kids to ARC, and we had to take the public trans. THAT, my friends, was a huge mistake. Take the bus from Carver to the campus took an hour and a half...where just normal driving would have taken about 20 min. *facepalm* Well unfortunately for me...I got bus sick on the way there...and it never went away. So by the time we headed back, I was already in a state. About halfway through I thought for sure I just wasn't going to make it...but somehow kept it together....got all my students stuff out of the classroom, then promptly went to the office where I proceeded to puke and feel awful will 10:30pm. Will I be doing that again? I think not...
• I also ate maggots for the first time...for the last time... I hope. I was driving to work, eating what I thought was a normal breakfast bar... though it seemed a little old, but still tasted fine. HALFWAY through eating it, I looked at and saw MANY maggots crawling in and out of the crust. At the same time I saw them, I was chewing, and crunched down on one...realizing that I was eating them as well. Talk about feeling sick to ones stomach after that. I knew that it was just protein, and I would be completely fine...but it definitely messed with my head....or rather....my stomach. Fear factor, here I come!

November recap:

• German choir annual concert. First thing that happens when I show up is people are already upset because we're singing last instead of opening the concert. And then on top of that, there was major traffic and one of the guest choirs director was going to be late. So I split up our set so we would open and close (which is what I wanted to do in the first place...but thought it was too short of a set to do that...but it worked!), and it ended up being a really good concert. 
• I also met a guy there who is wanting to connect Sacramento with a city in Germany and make them sister cities.. and he wants to bring his choir over and join us for our next concert. Which I think is a fantastic idea and am looking forward to it! :-)
• I got my first voice student.
• Thanksgiving! Simple and non complicated and healthy.. I had too many gigs and subbing gigs to go down to Holister.

December recap:

• We got a doggie! Herschel. He's cute, huge, and a total love bug. --->

• This years excitement with the Dessert Concert went something like this: 

Over this past year, apparently I've developed CVS...Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome... And it just so happens that an episode was fast approaching hours before the show. I tried to sleep it off, but to no avail. It was now 6:00pm...I needed to be there in half an hour, and the show started at 7pm. Lucky for me, Steph was off work, and I asked if she could drive me cause I knew I wouldn't make it without puking. She said yes, I grabbed my water and a bunch of plastic bags and a bucket, and away we went! Literally...we pulled out of the driveway and I felt it coming.

"Should I wait?" She asked.

"No..Let's just do this." And the vomiting commenced! 

I puked again as we pulled into the parking lot... Then I got out, and she went to relax at a pub. I told one of the students to let Wendy know that I was there, and went and got set up at the piano...and informed her husband that I was sick and hanging in there.

Shortly thereafter, I felt it coming on again, so I popped off into the bathroom for round three. By this time it was around 6:50pm. I heard Wendy outside the door looking for me. I washed up and managed to catch her before she vanished backstage.

She asked if I needed to not play, and I said that I would make it... It was either I play, or the kids go a capella... and I would much rather play than leave them hanging. So we set up a trashcan next to the piano, and she informed the kids that if I stopped playing to just KEEP GOING! And then away we went!

I spent the whole first act reminding myself to breath..and somehow managed to make it threw the whole thing. 

As soon as the lights went up, I dashed back into the bathroom for a violent round 4. 

Wendy informed me that I had reached rock star status. 

By the time act 2 was about to start, I had half the mind to make myself throw up again, so I wouldn't be bothered midway through the act. But thankfully, I made it all the way through...and then was on the upswing by the end.

It was a great experience in that now I know I can get through it...despite my body wanting to fall over and give up. I just breathed, and I made it through. PHEW! Life points for me.

• My platelet count was 39 at last check....not bad.. not bad...

• Steph and I found an awesome pub called Karma Brew... I asked for a slice of some kind of pumpkin bread... He gave me TWO, plus a side of grapes... PLUS a cup of FRESHLY brewed tea. And then to boot....brought out a different freshly brewed tea, just in case I didn't like the first one. I loved them both, and drank both. It was awesome.

• I decorated our Christmas tree!.... It's not a "real" tree in the since of the type...but it most certainly is real in that it's alive... And still is... In fact, I need to take the decorations off and put it outside so it can get some more light.

• I danced my way into the New Year at Midtown Stomp. This picture is from a few days prior singing at blues for karaoke night. For New Year..it was a sleep over... so I thought everyone would be wearing pjs. I walk into the place, only to find it's practically a 1920's speakeasy...and I am literally the ONLY one wearing pajamas... Blue plaid, to be exact. It was a little awkward for me at first...seeing all these girls in beautiful dressed and looking swanky..and here I am in pajama bottoms, a tank top, and my hair in two braided pigtails. But then I thought, "Fuck it... I'm here to have a good time. I'm going to rock these pajamas." And rock them I did. I had a wonderful night, and it was a great way to start off the new year.

 

 My 2015 theme: "If you want it to change, do something different."

And that's what I've been doing almost all of January...and so far, so good. I've been doing LOTS of ballroom dancing. I went to an impromptu ITP meeting, and then an impromptu "picnic" with literally no one I knew save for one person...and I fell in love with everyone there. I'm going to visit Rob in a few days...flying there with mom...which will be interesting, seeing as how I have a cold right now and am SUPER stuffed up. Oi! Then I'm moving back to the folks place to do a juice fast with mom and Jess, and then house sit for them.. and I'm going to donate my hair to locks of love and get a pixy cut, and get ear rings.. and apply to grad school... Many adventures await.