Ojai, round two! Women's Embodiment

This past weekend was the woman's workshop in Ojai... Here's the adventure sum up:

The drive there consisted of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (read by Stephan Fry!), heating a burrito by setting it on the dash, tribal drum music through the mountains, and then a quick swim at the hotel before the workshop. (I stayed with two other ladies, one whom I made friends with from the last time I was there). They were a hoot.

The workshop itself was all about embodiment and feeling, well, everything, in the body. Pleasure. Pain. Everything in between. It was intense...and a very different kind of intense than the Deida workshop (for me, at any rate). The Deida intensive was like diving into a deep, clear, cool lake... This was like face-planting into a quagmire. Pretty much everything that I deeply struggle with came bubbling to the surface, and all the "negative" (or rather, unloving) parts of me were exposed. Phew. Rough. But awesome. Here are some of my take-a-ways:

• I'm learning there is no such thing as 'right' and 'wrong'...everything just is. It is exactly as it should be. No more, no less. Everything I feel, everything that arises... it just...is. 
• I have a few new tools/practices I can do to help feel pleasure in my body. 
• I have a deeper appreciation for stillness, silence, and the art of listening. 
• My understanding of what it means to be embodied has expanded.
• I DO have passion in my body, and I AM passionate about things... I just haven't been feeling them. (Been too busy suppressing things)

It rained nearly the whole time! Lightening, thunder, and HUGE fat rain drops. It was fantastic. 

After it ended (around 6pm), I decided to stay one more night and then drive home in the morning. And boy was I SO glad I did! About 30 minutes later, it started raining again...POURING! And it was warm and humid.... So of course, I dressed in something that made me feel sexy and comfortable, and went for about an hour long walk... strolling around Ojai, just looking at different shops and things and letting my feet take me where they want to go. I got soaked, and it was wonderful.

A homeless man came up to me at one point, clearly impressed and intrigued that someone else was walking around without an umbrella. The conversation went roughly like this, sans the mumbling:

Guy: How many versions of Tombstone have you seen?

Me with a smile: Oh many.

Guy gives me a thumbs up, clearly pleased with my answer. I chuckle and continue walking as he continues walking the other way. Then he mumbles something, so I come back to him with a "huh?"

Guy: You are the sexiest woman I've ever seen!

Me: Oh! (And I laugh) Thank you! (And then start walking again)

Guy: Great day for gettin' married..

I turn back toward him, laughingly lightheartedly.

Guy: You've got great birthing hips!!

I must say...most straightforward advance I've ever encountered. Heh.

Then I encountered another man, in his 20's I think, also walking without an umbrella and carrying a pack of beers. He was also enjoying the fact that I was umbrella-less.... it was like being in some unspoken club. We exchanged brief conversation, and then continued on.

Then I stopped by a market, got some food for the evening and the drive home. On the walk back to my car with my grocery bag on my hip, a middle-aged man pulls his car over and calls out to me, VERY concerned, "Do you need a ride??"  I laughed and smiled, "No. I'm enjoying this! Thank you!"

Once I got back to the hotel, I was about to explode with feelings...I could hardly take it. I was loving the rain , humidity, and the adventure, but totally missing having company to share it with. And then just everything from the workshop. It was too much...so I very intentionally watched some T.V and pursued facebook. I think that was the first time I was so deliberate with my "checking out" media time. It was nice. 

And of course, the drive back was glorious. I listened to Game of Thrones.... now I want to see the show. *facepalm*

 

Up and down but at least it's forward

It's mid July now. The summer has gone well. thus far.. I've been exercising nearly daily, dancing more (including pole), and crafting more... a lot more. I made a box for my essential oils and a jewelry tree...which I'm as pleased as punch about it. :-) And this weekend is the woman's workshop in Ojai! So all in all...it's a good summer. Am I happy?.... Meh. It comes and goes. Up and down. Overall, no.... But things are still shifting. Dust is still *everywhere*. At least I'm moving. I'm literally moving my body..and figuratively moving forward in my projects. It'll get better. I'm starting to get that "something's coming" sense again. It's faint....and maybe it's just the hope that it's there...but I'm pretty sure it is. And of course, time will tell. Last time I had this, a few months later, I met Scott. So we'll see where this one takes me. For now... I'll just keep moving. Keep dancing. Keep exercising. Keep my body moving. Things are bound to shake off if you wiggle for long enough.

And on a totally different note...

There are grass spiders all over the place, now. It's because I don't kill them. :-) I let them run around and they just keep getting bigger and bigger (at least the ones that survive and aren't eaten by Zoe). Jess was cleaning the bathroom the other day and makes a sound. I come in and there's a huge grass spider by the toilet. I felt this wave of calm come over me, and I bent down and put my left hand on the floor...and used my right hand to guild her onto me. She walked up onto my hand very calmly, and slowly crawled up my arm as I took her outside. It was really a fantastic feeling. I remember when I use to be terrified of these... they are FAST and "meaty" looking (though not as meaty as wolf spiders). It's wonderful to have so much compassion and love for them now. They are beautiful creatures, and so misunderstood.

The summer chapter begins!

I'm officially done with Carver... turned in my key today. It was a groovy 4 years, full of blood, sweat, and tears. I'm sad to go, but happy at the same time. I can already start to feel a shift and doors that will open to me.

I decided to leave because the stress level did not equal the reward. Too much driving, in WAY too much traffic, and killing too much time because of the hours... Even though I love seeing the kids grow, and seeing the light on their faces when they "get it"... it's ultimately not what I want to be doing...and it was slowly killing me.


So now it's time to work on ME....

• Tomorrow I'll be going to a belly dancing class for the first time ever, and not the last. :-D So excited!!!
• I've already bought Rosetta Stone and have done the first two lessons (German). I like it's style, and have a feeling I'll be speaking German sooner than later. (It helps that I studied in high school...granted, for only a year...but still...)
• I'm going to a woman's workshop in July....so I'm setting a few goals for myself to reach before I get there. The mainly consist of dancing and getting more fit...which will go hand in hand. :-)
• As far as music goes, I have LOTS of plans.... Making a demo of Scarborough, finishing Am Fischerhaus, composing and arranging a few tunes, and getting my website up.... And by the end of summer, I'll know if I want to take the route of Masters, or do something else.
• I have a feeling I need to study massage and energy work more...and possibly make some money in that field. 

I am LOVING who I am...and who I'm becoming. I am ever changing. I am a goddess!

Can we say "been a while?"... Yes... yes we can...

So..... SO much has happened since my last post. I wonder if I'll ever find my groove again when it comes to posting more regularly. I hope so...because I enjoy going back and reading old things I wrote that have been completely forgotten. But alas..here we are... with a brief sum up of the past 5 months... *facepalm*

January:

My niece...being ADORABLE.

• I started doing a lot more ballroom dancing...and bought a few of their New Years deals... one of which included 2 private lessons. (I totally forgot that I have this...and need to use it!!!)
• Mom and I went to visit Rob.... it was like summer down there!
• I wrote an arrangement of Barry White's "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe" for Classical Revolution. Unfortunately, I had rehearsal when the performed it (in February), so I didn't get to hear it... Rumor is it went very well.

February:

• I ended things with Scott and moved back in with my folks. It was past time.. We're still friends, but my life is heading in a very different direction...and it turns out that his "train" wasn't the one I wanted to be on. 
• Rob came up and built me the coolest "Cafe Corner" (as I'm calling it)... bed underneath, sitting area above. It's actually not finished yet...but it's still awesome.
• Jess came with me to work (Carver) for a few weeks to help out with the play and do some Q&A for the kids in the drama class.
• We had the Pacific Sangerbund at the Turn Verein hall...it was nice to not have to travel for it this year. We performed Am Fischerhaus again, which was a huge hit and a lot of the directs approached me afterwards wanting a copy..... Hmmmmm...now I need to write out an actual piano part.
• I joined ARC's JV2 group to help out again....and it was a fantastic group!

March:

• I CUT MY HAIR REALLY SHORT! :-D Well..... the shortest it's ever been. I donated it. I love it. I look mature and feel gorgeous. (Though... I already miss my long hair). It was also symbolic for me: to cut off the old and start anew. 
• I also got my ears pierced at an actually tattoo/piercing place instead of the mall. It hurt just the same...maybe less? And is *way* more effective since they take a chunk of your ear out. Hehehe. This is the first time in my life that I'm really enjoying having earrings... So much so, that I want another piercing. :-)
• I signed up for a David Deida workshop!!! HOLY CRAP! (More to come on that...)
• I got my bike working and all fixed! Now to get shoes so I can actually ride it.....
• Disneyland!! Always a good time. :-) Though this year something a little bit different happened. I was reading David Deida's "It's a Guy Thing" on the way down on the bus..... nearly the whole time, so that's 5-6 hours of reading. Needless to say, by the time we got down there, I was in a slightly different state and feeling very open....

...So the next day was our performance...and mid-way through the second piece (a lovely, flowing song in 6/8), the thought just popped into my head, "How could you play right now that would open the audience? Open your own heart?" I'm not sure what exactly I did, per-say, but I DID do something.... I could feel it.
Afterwards, I got a LOT of "You're amazing" comments...more than usual.... which I thought was a little odd, because I didn't think they were exceptionally difficult pieces.. at least not difficult enough to warrant such kudos.

Girl 1: "Is that a real duck?"
Girl 2: "Of course it's not a real duck!"
It was...

Then the next day, we go to California Adventure... I'm standing in the park, waiting for people and looking down at my phone, texting Steph..when I hear, "Oh my god! You're that fabulous pianist!" I look up to see one of the other directors who had been at the festival. I say, "You're that fabulous director!!" And we chat for a bit and he showers me with complements. Then Wendy comes over and he tells her to never let me go.

After we parted, I was thinking to myself, "No really... the music wasn't THAT spectacular or anything. I KNOW I've played more challenging stuff...." And then it occurred to me, the difference between all those other times and *this* time was me opening my heart, and opening the audience. Neat.....

April:

• My degree final came in the mail! It says 2012 on it, instead of 2011...but by this point, no one cares. I've been working as a musician for so long (even before I graduated) that it now feels about as important as a high school diploma. Well.... at least I have it so I can get my Masters! 
• By this point, I was really feeling the sting of not having a man in my life anymore and all that comes with breaking up. Even though it was gentle and easy... it still sucked. But Jess and Leah are pretty much the two most amazing people ever, and they've been helping me get through it... Including leaving me a smattering of "love' notes on my bathroom mirror. --->
• I got a music director and accompanist gig for Beauty and the Beast at Sac Country Day....which led to a few impromptu visits to the river and more David Deida reading. Really relaxing and it got more movement in my life..especially around doing something different, even if it's something like driving down a different road...or stopping by the river for lunch. :-)

May:

• During our final performance at ARC with the vocal jazz ensembles, I realized that I severely miss singing in an advanced ensemble...and decided that I would try out for Art's and move my life in that direction...with also a heavier emphases on composing and arranging. 
• Jess took new head shots of me for my business cards and whatnot. I'm very pleased. And I made my new cards *just* in time for Sam's musical theater class.....cause everyone wanted one. Phew!
• My platelets were 52 right before I left for the workshop. WHOOHOO! (I'm beginning to think that the 60's or thereabouts IS normal for me.....)
• The rest of May consisted of the usual teaching, and putting together Beauty and the Beast...which ended up being surprisingly good, all things considered. But the most exciting part was:
• DAVID DEIDA WORKSHOP!!!! :-D

For my drive down, I took a "ninja" route through the middle of nowhere and then through a fantastic national forest...with NO cars, and a 20 mile drive that required zero gas peddle. It was magical and just the thing I needed to ground me from the long drive. I was so refreshed by the time I got to the hotel, it was amazing.

The workshop itself was beyond incredible. I know everyone has their own take-a-way and experience of the weekend...but for me... I got everything I wanted and so much more... so very much more.

When I got back, the very next day I had a BV's concert to play for, so I practiced opening my heart and opening the audience (like I did in March). I had to bolt right after because of another gig, so I wasn't able to get any feedback or find out if anyone was opened.... But then 5 days later, in a grocery store parking lot, I head, "Oh my god! You're that fabulous pianist!" No joke.... the exact same thing from March....

I did a, "Wait what who me?" thing.... I seriously didn't know he was talking to me at first, it caught me that off guard. Then we talked...well.... HE talked, or rather GUSHED about how amazing I was... including randomly burst out with "YOU'RE A GODDESS!" I was so floored and flattered, all I could do was smile and say thank you. My heart was bursting open.

I have MANY stories from the workshop itself...but that isn't for online/public viewing..for multiple reasons. :-) But.... I will say: That weekend changed my life.

I also discovered a new cough remedy... which is honey poured over a chopped onion...then let to sit for a few hours....then collect the liquid that's made from it and drink a few table spoons as needed. I call it.... Honion!

And I've been eating WAAAAAY better and since being back from the workshop, have been exercising every day. I've got some cool plans for the summer....now I just need to make a schedule so I'll actually get them done.

Healthy cheesecake made by Leah! It was incredible.

2014 Recap....Enter 2015: A humdinger!

September recap:

• I took a swimming class this semester. It was a great life lesson: "One stroke in front of the next." Swimming 500s seemed almost impossible at first....but you just keep swimming, and the next thing you know, you're there! 
• I finally got the ball rolling with actually getting my degree....you know..the paper. The school STILL thought I had classes to take, which is better than what I thought it thought...which was that I owed money. So that's all taken care of now.
• I saw Mykel for the first time.... that woman is amazing and has changed my life...for-ev-er!

October recap:

• Ocktoberfest! 
• We did our first school wide field trip..... I took my kids to ARC, and we had to take the public trans. THAT, my friends, was a huge mistake. Take the bus from Carver to the campus took an hour and a half...where just normal driving would have taken about 20 min. *facepalm* Well unfortunately for me...I got bus sick on the way there...and it never went away. So by the time we headed back, I was already in a state. About halfway through I thought for sure I just wasn't going to make it...but somehow kept it together....got all my students stuff out of the classroom, then promptly went to the office where I proceeded to puke and feel awful will 10:30pm. Will I be doing that again? I think not...
• I also ate maggots for the first time...for the last time... I hope. I was driving to work, eating what I thought was a normal breakfast bar... though it seemed a little old, but still tasted fine. HALFWAY through eating it, I looked at and saw MANY maggots crawling in and out of the crust. At the same time I saw them, I was chewing, and crunched down on one...realizing that I was eating them as well. Talk about feeling sick to ones stomach after that. I knew that it was just protein, and I would be completely fine...but it definitely messed with my head....or rather....my stomach. Fear factor, here I come!

November recap:

• German choir annual concert. First thing that happens when I show up is people are already upset because we're singing last instead of opening the concert. And then on top of that, there was major traffic and one of the guest choirs director was going to be late. So I split up our set so we would open and close (which is what I wanted to do in the first place...but thought it was too short of a set to do that...but it worked!), and it ended up being a really good concert. 
• I also met a guy there who is wanting to connect Sacramento with a city in Germany and make them sister cities.. and he wants to bring his choir over and join us for our next concert. Which I think is a fantastic idea and am looking forward to it! :-)
• I got my first voice student.
• Thanksgiving! Simple and non complicated and healthy.. I had too many gigs and subbing gigs to go down to Holister.

December recap:

• We got a doggie! Herschel. He's cute, huge, and a total love bug. --->

• This years excitement with the Dessert Concert went something like this: 

Over this past year, apparently I've developed CVS...Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome... And it just so happens that an episode was fast approaching hours before the show. I tried to sleep it off, but to no avail. It was now 6:00pm...I needed to be there in half an hour, and the show started at 7pm. Lucky for me, Steph was off work, and I asked if she could drive me cause I knew I wouldn't make it without puking. She said yes, I grabbed my water and a bunch of plastic bags and a bucket, and away we went! Literally...we pulled out of the driveway and I felt it coming.

"Should I wait?" She asked.

"No..Let's just do this." And the vomiting commenced! 

I puked again as we pulled into the parking lot... Then I got out, and she went to relax at a pub. I told one of the students to let Wendy know that I was there, and went and got set up at the piano...and informed her husband that I was sick and hanging in there.

Shortly thereafter, I felt it coming on again, so I popped off into the bathroom for round three. By this time it was around 6:50pm. I heard Wendy outside the door looking for me. I washed up and managed to catch her before she vanished backstage.

She asked if I needed to not play, and I said that I would make it... It was either I play, or the kids go a capella... and I would much rather play than leave them hanging. So we set up a trashcan next to the piano, and she informed the kids that if I stopped playing to just KEEP GOING! And then away we went!

I spent the whole first act reminding myself to breath..and somehow managed to make it threw the whole thing. 

As soon as the lights went up, I dashed back into the bathroom for a violent round 4. 

Wendy informed me that I had reached rock star status. 

By the time act 2 was about to start, I had half the mind to make myself throw up again, so I wouldn't be bothered midway through the act. But thankfully, I made it all the way through...and then was on the upswing by the end.

It was a great experience in that now I know I can get through it...despite my body wanting to fall over and give up. I just breathed, and I made it through. PHEW! Life points for me.

• My platelet count was 39 at last check....not bad.. not bad...

• Steph and I found an awesome pub called Karma Brew... I asked for a slice of some kind of pumpkin bread... He gave me TWO, plus a side of grapes... PLUS a cup of FRESHLY brewed tea. And then to boot....brought out a different freshly brewed tea, just in case I didn't like the first one. I loved them both, and drank both. It was awesome.

• I decorated our Christmas tree!.... It's not a "real" tree in the since of the type...but it most certainly is real in that it's alive... And still is... In fact, I need to take the decorations off and put it outside so it can get some more light.

• I danced my way into the New Year at Midtown Stomp. This picture is from a few days prior singing at blues for karaoke night. For New Year..it was a sleep over... so I thought everyone would be wearing pjs. I walk into the place, only to find it's practically a 1920's speakeasy...and I am literally the ONLY one wearing pajamas... Blue plaid, to be exact. It was a little awkward for me at first...seeing all these girls in beautiful dressed and looking swanky..and here I am in pajama bottoms, a tank top, and my hair in two braided pigtails. But then I thought, "Fuck it... I'm here to have a good time. I'm going to rock these pajamas." And rock them I did. I had a wonderful night, and it was a great way to start off the new year.

 

 My 2015 theme: "If you want it to change, do something different."

And that's what I've been doing almost all of January...and so far, so good. I've been doing LOTS of ballroom dancing. I went to an impromptu ITP meeting, and then an impromptu "picnic" with literally no one I knew save for one person...and I fell in love with everyone there. I'm going to visit Rob in a few days...flying there with mom...which will be interesting, seeing as how I have a cold right now and am SUPER stuffed up. Oi! Then I'm moving back to the folks place to do a juice fast with mom and Jess, and then house sit for them.. and I'm going to donate my hair to locks of love and get a pixy cut, and get ear rings.. and apply to grad school... Many adventures await.

Well that lasted long *facepalm*

My 30 day boot camp lasted a week. *sigh* It just was too much, especially since I had no one to hold me accountable... But it was a good run and a good lesson.

State Fair

Mom and I went to the State Fair, and had a blast as always. The first thing we did was get her this large, woven hat... I was a little jealous. It looked better than mine. :-) And MUCH better than the pink grandma hats she was first looking at..... Close call on that one! Anyway...
We love checking out all the little vendors and seeing what they have to sell...though she tends to be more inclined to buy than I am. But it's still a lot of fun.

Me, "I'm excited about my dresses..."
Mom, "I'm excited about my mop!"

Discovery Park

I took an adventure to Discovery Park this past week....and boy was in an adventure! I hiked around and discovered lots of little paths off of the main trail. And at one point, nearly ran FACE FIRST into a spider, chillin' on a huge person sized web. Scared the crap out of me just from the surprise factor: seemingly nothing being in the path, to all-of-the-sudden something right in your face. Of course....it didn't help that the spiders look deadly.....I have no idea if they were, they just LOOKED like their bite would do horrible things to you.

Taking this picture was all kinds of hilariously scary

Composing!

I also started composing an arrangement of "More Than Words"... it's just in it's beginning stages, but it's nice to be back into it, and feeling more momentum around music and composing.

Birthday #1

There are a bunch of birthdays all taking place. Jess had his last week, and then Steph a few days later... And Scott's is next week... then Cody and Gwen and I'm sure more people I can't think of right now.
But Jess had the most inspiring birthday ever. I show up and ask if he figured out what he wanted to do for the day. And his reply? He wanted to get organize, clean the bathroom, fix up his room, and plan out the year. He wanted to start off the next year right, basically. It was SO incredibly inspiring. There's so much more to say, but I'm passing out as I write this... I got him some stones for this journey, and that is a whole story in and of itself. And we went to Costco and some vegan place for dinner (which was AMAZING...gluten and dairy free!), and then cleaned the bathroom in a major way. Best birthday ever, I'd say.

End of day 3 for the "boot camp"

Okay...this is really less of a "boot camp" and more of a good schedule to frame my day with. Since I'm the only one involved here, it's super easy to miss things, move things, etc.... And I'm totally fine with that. The whole point of this was to give myself a frame work so I could get stuff done over the summer, and that's exactly what's happening, so I'm cool with how poorly I'm doing right now. I mean.. I'm not doing THAT bad, but it's not perfect...not by a long shot. I've done really good with my morning and evening rituals, so that's nice...and that's a habit that I would like to form permanently.

Today at rehearsal a couple of people commented on how amazing I'm looking..and how different I look (in a good way). They just don't understand the wonders of personal growth work and how this work effects you physically. It's amazing. I'm still just floored. 133.7 pounds. Darn tooten.