Changes....lots of them.....

I suppose it's a good thing I'm so busy that I only get to this blog every month or so... and I really have to make an effort just for that. (It's 11:40pm right now...so hopefully I make sense throughout this post...)

Sarah came into town for Thanksgiving and all that fun stuff. It was great to see and spend time with her.. but it definitely wasn't enough time. We had a good conversation, but it didn't feel finished.. (it kind of got interrupted, and we never found the chance to continue it). I'm a very different person, and it was kind of like she had to get to know me all over again.

As always, Thanksgiving was full of adventures. The first was the day for Thanksgiving, over at Rob and Julliana's....when she went into labor and gave birth to her daughter a mere 5 minutes after showing up at the hospital. It was all quite exciting. Then the adventure continued down in Holister... Jess and I drove separate and had some really good conversation. And of course the time with family was fun...especially playing Tri-Bond... always hilarious. :)

I fixed the sprinikler and made it look all nice and perdy. Hehehe. I actually need to now move two now...now that I'm totally re-modeling the front yard.

This is the work in progress of the front bit by the office... I'm actually finishing it tomorrow. -->

We finished the back yard!! Laying sod is a workout, for sure! We were all dead by the time we finished, but it looks GREAT!! The only rototilled a certain portion of it....but ended up with some extra pieces... so we just laid it down on the non-amended "bad" soil. Currently, it seems to be doing okay....but doesn't quite heal as quickly from walking on it. Only time will tell to see if all our work to get the soil good and rich actually means anything. 

We also ended up with a HUGE leaf barracade in the front, because the guys who were suppose to com

e pick it up were taking their sweet time..... so the pile just grew and grew with every day. Leaves were falling like snow. At one point, WHILE I was raking...leaves were falling. It was pure comedy. :)

Art let me direct the Jazz Choir for two tunes on our concert. That was a lot of fun. :) Clearly...you can see it in my face. Hehehehehehehehhehe

I started jogging again just a few days ago. I've been listening to my body more... going to the workshop "Re-Visioning Your Year from the Inside Out" really helped with that. It was intense! I was so exhausted by the end of it... Lots of emotional energy moving...stuff being exposed... all that fun stuff. Anyway... so yeah.. listening to my body = more exercise. And it feels really good.

Steph and I went to Apple Hill over the weekend... it was unfortunately a little late in the season, so most things were closed. But we still had fun and I got a little hair thingy that I totally love. (And then afterwards we braved the Folsom Outlets and I got some new pants, boots, a jacket, and a few winter shirts/sweaters). I like this look and this change. I feel like I'm starting to look like the person I want to be...and slowly feeling like it. A ways off still...but better.. much better.

As for Univera...so far the only improvement (still) is REALLY good sleep. I mean.. that's kind of a big deal, since my sleeping has been horrible for the past 10 years. But I've got a lot of other issues that I'm hoping will work themselves out. We'll see. I'm giving it 6 months.... If it seems like more healing is happening, I'll continue with it... But I'm not sure if the price is worth having amazing sleep. I mean.. it really is amazing. I sleep fantastically every night... and wake up totally refreshed and not feeling like I got hit by a mac-truck in the middle of the night. But for $150 a month?.... If that's the only thing. Yes? Maybe?.... We'll see. I've only been on it for 2 months...so plenty of time left to figure it out.

The current 'me' as of 12/23/13

Platelets, yard, Univera, and Learning to stop playing the victim

• First off, my platelet count was 55! Wild! Clearly, there is far more to everything than meets the eye.... it's not just *one* thing that is effecting my platelets... Or rather... my platelets are low because of a few things. And Scott is right... I have a LOT to learn before they'll go up. Which I think is what caused the jump.... I learned a lesson, then spent the whole day vomiting because it was so intense. I tell you what, though.. it is SO cool to have some more platelets!! I'm keep thinking, "Wow! That stopped bleeding fast!" like it's an unusual thing.

• The yard is MUCH closer to being done. Moving that dirt was madness! But I did it, and felt like a bad ass in the process. Our neighbor came out at one point and watched me for a second as I was pulling it across the driveway. I look up at him and he says, "Man... I would not want to meet you in a dark ally!" Hehehe.

• I'm now going into my third week of being on Univera. My sleep improved on the 4th day, and has been amazing since. If nothing else.... that's convenced me that at least SOMEthing works. And hot dog! FINALLY! I'm looking forward to sleeping again! It's been years.... years I tell ya! Since high school. No joke. Once college hit, my sleeping schedule got all funky with the occational all nighters... and I never slept well again. Or.... until I started Univera. HA! Listen to me.... I sound like I'm posting a comment on their site or something. Well anyway.. I'm looking forward to what else it fixes. The other things are things that will take longer, so I'm not giving up on it yet. 6 months. I'll give it 6 months.... if nothing else has changed, then I'll stop (and see if the good sleep holds). But let's cross that bridge when we get there...

So without going into detail... The lesson I've been learning lately (and by lately, I mean....yesterday and today), is to stop playing the victim. And I really mean it this time... I saw something last night (that I wrote in my private journal) that I've never seen before. I finally (after a year!) pealed away a layer of self-pitying...only to reveal a deeper, old, crusty layer of playing the victim. Which is similar...but worse...because being a victim parades itself around as a justified version of self-pity. And I've been this way my whole life.... so it's an oooooold habit. It feels like a parasite... something woven into the very fabric of my being... so much so that just the idea of trying to rid myself of it seems like I would be ripping a part of myself out in the process. Which of course is NOT true...but damn does it feel like it.

But recognition and acknowledgement are the first steps to shifting something within.

August and September recap (aka: someone's busy....)

• Jackson died...Hit by a car, it the guess. It was sad, but a relief at the same time..cause now I don't have to worry about him dying! HA!

• For Scott's birthday, we went to a hotspring for a few days.. As always, it was fabulous. And of course, I got car sick going and coming back. *facepalm* But man can we pack a car!!! Good thing I'm small!

• The teaching year started off...and started off VERY well. Scott has really been helping me not only with my own personal growth, but also with my classroom management. The combination of the two has made for a wonderful first semester... and I suspect it will only get better from here. 

• I'm singing the the vocal jazz ensemble at ARC and helping Art run the group. I love Art..it has a lot of fabulous things to say and teach.

• More curtain sewing! It never seems to end.

•  Had a gig in Merced with the pops orchestra. As per always, it was a hoot, and easy music. LOTS of jazz this time. :) ------->
  

• Got a commissioned by Dyne to compose him a piece. Rock on. It'll be a mix of jazz and contemporary classical.

• My right arm is really killing me. At first it was just in my finger..but then moved into my elbow..and is now hurting all the way into my shoulder. Ugh. I started taking this Univera stuff that Jess and Mom are getting into... so we'll see if that does anything.

• Still dancing..but not nearly as much as I'd like to. SO BUSY!!! BAH!! (And now-a-days, really sore to boot! Oh yard work...)

• I got my platelets checked on Friday.. results on Moday! (I have NO clue where they are... I had a serious energetic/emotional breakthrough a couple weeks ago before Scott's dad passed away... That might have done something... or might have not. Only one way to know!)

• The latest and greatest project has been the yard! Both front and back. I've been in charge of the front..... Maddness. I loath juniper bushes now... LOATH I say! 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

• Also the house is slowly, yet surly getting put together. This is the main bathroom... and the office is done too (though desperately needs to be cleaned)

• I really should write in this more... I kind of miss that. But goodness am I just so busy these days, I don't really think about it.

• I re-dosed my M1... just cause it had been MONTHS and I've been so tired and foggy brained lately... if nothing else, I felt dumb and clumsy the next day. *sigh* I really hope this Univera stuff does something...cause I'm losing hope fast.

  

  This is how out of it I've been....

  
  

  
  

  
   And I've been soil testing for the backyard.... that's been fun. It's like I'm back in science class. :)
  
  
  

Amazing dream and July recap

I had an incredible dream last night.... but before I get to that, a quick recap.

• The 4th of July was fabulous. We went to hang out with some friends (Joshua and Michel) and played games, watched street fireworks with their neighborhood, dipped in the pool, and learned a new card game: Dominion. (Quite fun....quite fun, indeed)

• The curtains are FINISHED!!! WHEEE! Cause that didn't take forever......

• AND I put up curtains in the office... all by myself!! It was HARD..... drilling into concrete is not easy...and a pain in the ass.

• I went to the State fair with mom...and we had a total blast. I got a pillow that vibrates when you lean against it... I got it for Scott for our 1 year anniversary (Okay....it's not technically when we started going out... that date is not defined since it slowly grew...
  
  So we picked the date when I first came over... Yes, some say that's cheating, but we both agreed on it and liked it...so there!). I also got a beautiful hair clip for Steph, and another for myself. And lastly, but not least, some reusable heating pads (the kind of heat up via chemical reaction. VERY cool). 

• Went to visit Jess for his 31st birthday.Good times, yet again! He didn't think anyone knew or was planning anything, but a friend of his had formed a little surprise party for him. And I was in on it.... So he was in another friends apartment, cleaning it up, and I tell him I'm in need of coffee (which was true...I had a headache and needed caffeine).
  
  He suggested (as I knew he would) to go get some from B.J.... which was where everyone was waiting. I go over and inform everyone what was going on. Then go back... and one by one, everyone knocks on the door about 10 seconds apart. Jess keeps saying, "Come in!" as he's cleaning....totally unaware of what is going on. Finally, after the 4th person, everyone piles in singing happy birthday, hold a cake and lights a match since no one had a candle. It was very sweet, and I could tell he loved it. Then the rest of the evening was the usual Jesse bash.

• Then Scott and Steph came a few days later, and we celebrated Steph's birthday! And of course, the evening started out with a flat tire, and the men to the rescue! Then we ended up just re-parking and walking instead. *facepalm* And ended up walking more than we thought...and turns out the person we wanted to visit wasn't there....so then ended up eating in this quaint hole-in-the-wall Mexican place. Then the rest of the evening is history. :)

We started doing family meetings/processing. Last night was the second night, and it's been fabulous. And I think the cause for this little bit of dream:

I was in a house that felt like home (not sure where), and I heard a wolf  howling. I poked my head outside I saw a grey wolf by the corner of the house, looking at me...waiting for me. I went back in and heard another howl...and when I looked again, this time it was a white wolf...looking and waiting. And I can't remember when exactly I did this, but I started howling with them, and there was the sense of longing and peace at the same time. Then I went outside and there were a bunch of wolves, dogs, cats, etc., out there waiting for me. They were having some kind of very important meeting, and waiting for me to be there cause I was one of them. I remember them looking at me and it was like I was looking into my own eyes. It all felt SO incredibly meaningful. Normally my dreams don't...but when they do, it really is something.

Poll dancing class!

That's right.. you read that correctly. Poll dancing class! There was a groupon for it, and I've heard from multiple people how fun it is, and a fabulous workout. So Steph and I got the deal, and tonight was our first night doing it.... And indeed.. it was fun and a fabulous workout. The teacher there was awesome! So sweet and cool and BUFF. I was worried everyone there would be stuck up bitches (for lack of a better term), but that was so not the case. Everyone was laughing and giggling and having a blast. And oh my goodness, what a workout! My arms are shaking.. My ass is sore. My hands are sore. It's fantastic.
We have 4 more classes to go! Wheeeee!!

Napping Alien dream...yet again...

What's with the aliens in my dreams!?!?

So this was a napping dream, which are always bizarre and interesting... And unfortunately just too bizarre to explain the beginning stuff... though I'll try: There was this guy (who was Sylar from Heros) who was kidnapping girls... and if felt a little post apocalyptic. Steph and I were the first... and somehow he managed to do it by himself without a car or ropes.. Just him and a gun. Details are SUPER vague. But he was taking us somewhere... And I had to go through a bunch of locked doors.... and finally came to this nice reception area. The first thing I saw of the receptionist was that she had 6 fingers, with acrylic red and white nails... And then I realized those finger tips grew from only three fingers.... each one having two finger tips... And then I looked at her face, and she had three eyes and fair skin... And thin, tight lips. She almost looked human, save for the odd number of appendages and eyes. She was the receptionist for a type of brothel/underground strip club..and we were at the head quarters, and my assignment was to make a new, interesting poll for the strippers.
She casually gestured with a hand as she led me to where I'd be working, "A poll with invisible dildos or something like that..." (I'm not kidding... she said that).

And then I woke up.

The end.

Time for bed... hehehehhehe

It's been a month.. Time for an update!! :)

So what I've been up to for the month of June:

• Carver ended splendidly. Our final concert was SO much better than last time.. And I'm looking forward to next year! I've had quite a few kids come up to me asking about choir.
• Steph and I went to visit Jess to see him (and his play). It was a fabulous girly road trip bonding time, and lots of fun. The only bummer was the director of Jess' play made some terrible choices and really botched the whole thing.... But alas, there was nothing to be done about that.
• Jessica and Patric got married.... Dave married them (and it was FANTASTIC) and Jon sang "She's your Queen to be" and it was hilarious. I filmed, of course. The three of us stayed in a hotel and good times were had all around... The only person missing was Loon. :P 
  
• I sat at a table with Kellen and his woman, and Upa! and her man.. and told them of my life story and all the things I'm doing now. They all totally loved it.
• I also talked with Brandon and Matt about the sulfur saga, and they were SO into it and fascinated and had some of their own stories to share. Those guys are fabulous to hang out with... I should invite them over. :)
• The curtains are almost done!! I've been working my ass off on them! And oh the stitch witch! I've already used 5 rolls and need at least one more. So much stitch witch... so.... much.....

I have no idea where my platelets are... I actually don't have ANY bruises... Which is amazing, and makes me want to check them... just to see where they are..... hmmmmmm.

I've gained a little weight back. Things got so busy the beginning of the month, I kind of fell off the wagon and have been eating WAY to much cheese and protein bars. But I'm getting back into the groove and feel better. Though I really need to cut out the salt by 50%, if not all together.... I feel like I'm just inflamed everywhere. My bladder is giving my problems (not feeling relief when I pee). As well as my knee..which is preventing me from dancing. *sigh* Lots to take care of... Oh getting older... it doesn't get easier, so they say. And I believe them.

Scott just walked in and gave me a back rub.... I was literally drooling by the end. That was fabulous. 

 

Still working out the balance

Weight and health wise, I was doing really good there for a while... but on Robs birthday I ate too much sugar, and that off set things. More bruises, and I'm having a hard time getting things into balance again. Thankfully, work is almost done... and then I can really focus on exercise and getting things together.  Carver's graduation is less than two weeks away (including their final concert).

I forgot to blog when I took another dose of the 1M Gal. Phos (about three weeks ago)..... but it didn't seem like it did anything. I'm pretty sure sugar has a LOT to do with it... and the rest is me needing to work out all the emotional crap that's been trapped and built up over the years.... and learning to love all the "wrong" parts of myself.

Besides that, things are great. This past holiday weekend was the most productive weekend EVER. I pulled out all the vines in the backyard (though the roots still need digging out)... put up the curtain rod in the backroom, and started cleaning the garage (and built the tool chest).

I've been dreaming more again, which is quite nice... I feel like a sleep better. Though of course I don't remember them... Though I remember I had another alien dream.... But can't recall what happened...

Okay... I'm house sitting and just hanging out now. Time to go home and keep cleaning. :)

Wildest. Dream. Ever

The beginning of this is reeeeaaaaallly hard to explain.... but it basically felt like I was moving through time and space.. like I was floating and everything was whizzing past me. And I was aware of what was going on in terms of dreaming and being asleep, but also aware that I wasn't exactly sure what was going on. At one point I was on a table, and lights were shinning in my face and it was hard to see... but then I saw an alien... And then thought to myself, "Seriously?.... I'm being abducted or something? Seriously?... This is really happening?" I wasn't scared.... more like really amused and wanted to *facepalm* at the same time.
Then I was passed out on a floor....slowly waking up. It was very dark, with no lights at all in the room I was in... But I could see a HUGE rocket engine out side a large window to my right and thought, "Am I on a rocket ship?? Is it about to take off?" But then I stand up, and the engine tilts, and I look forward and see this absolutely enormous window... and then I see a little over half the earth as the ship I'm in tilts down...and there was lots of space and stars around as well... and other large space ships. Yeah.. I was on a huge alien space craft... looking down at the planet. It. Was. Incredible. It felt so real and was just amazing to see... So totally wild, I really just don't have the words to explain it. I'd like a continuation of that dream. :)

On a totally different note, I need to write in my journal more.... There are some things that have come to fruition that I would have TOTALLY forgotten about if I hadn't of written them down. :) Really cool stuff. :)

M1 for the win?... We'll see....

Got my 1M in the mail yesterday and took a dose in the evening... so we'll see what happens! (I banged my elbow the other day as we were madly cleaning the house and getting it ready for a dinner party, and it left a typical nasty purple bruise... but seems to be healing faster than normal... So my count doesn't seem like it's out of the low 30's yet, but at least it's not lower than that (or at least that's my guess on the matter)).

Life is still fantastic. :) All my jobs are going well, and the school year is almost over. I love teaching, but I am REALLY looking forward to a break! (A looooong break!!) I'm loosing all but 2 of my choir kids at Carver... so that'll be interesting. I reeeaaalllly need to have Freshmen and Sophomores in this group, or it will never improve or reach the potential that it could be.

Impromptu (and informal) photo shoot

Things are going great with Scott and Steph, and it's great to be so open about it... And to have so much support from everyone! (even if they don't quite understand how it could work...or why). Everyone is commenting on how great I look and wondering how much weight I've lost... which is interesting, cause I've only lost about 5 lbs (It was more..but I gained a little back....whoops!).  But it's not just weight loss... it's just my whole well-being has changed (for the better). Even my periods are totally dead on regular and I bleed a LOT less! Soooooooo nice to have normal periods!!



I was reading back through old posts, and saw that last year (around this time), I had a feeling that something was coming...but didn't know what. And low and behold, only a few months later..look who I meet! Interesting...... This is why I like having a blog....cause I had totally forgotten about that! Of course.. it only works if I actually write in the blog. *facepalm*. But being super busy is a good thing... I'm feeling very productive, accomplished  and..well... am making money! (Though owing $2,500 on taxes was NO fun. No fun at all)

Why are fireworks going off outside? This is the second night not.... and there is nothing going on holiday wise... At least not that I know of.....

Count up just a bit..... with no h-pathy.... And life :)

Last Wednesday I checked my count cause I wanted a starting number before I took a 1M of my remedy. And my platelets were at 27!!! (Which is pretty good from where it's been.... I think being strict with NOT eating gluten helped). I had stopped the LM all together cause I felt so DUMB and out of it, I could hardly take it.
As it turns out.... I only had 200C.... so I took that, and am trying to order the 1M (though the site is not working when I click on it....and I'm not sure why.....)

On a totally different note, pretty much everyone I know is exclaiming how happy and different and wonderful I look. :) And I'd say about 90% of the folks I know support my new found life and living situation. My mom was pretty upset at first, but she's coming around.... and dad was totally fine (and not surprised, apparently.. which I find awesome and hilarious).
My life is really coming into balance ...on every level....and it feels great! Now if only my platelets would get on board!

Giving up

I think I've given up on H-pathy. Every time I dose, I feel dumb and unbalanced ...so I don't want to dose any more.... And then I think to myself, "Like it was doing any good anyway..."
It's been over two years since I started..... And on Monday it'll be three years since being diagnosed.
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and getting nothing. I'm tired of hoping and waiting and getting nothing. My count was the same as it was when I started....the same as it was three years ago. There's no up and down swing.... it's just... down. Three years of low platelets.... three years of not being able to do everything I want to do because of that. Three YEARS. How much longer can I take this? I don't want to give up...but I'm just so tired of it. I'm exhausted.... mentally.... emotionally. Everyday I think about my platelets. Every fucking day...and that's not exaggerating.
This rant feels very drama high school..... but it's how I'm feeling right now.. so there. :P

Proving perhaps?

So I took the LM3 twice and felt dumb as a brick..... and once I stopped, it seemed to help. (I also stopped eating gluten....which is a for sure no no now.... And it might have been a contributing factor). It certainly seemed like my count went up after I stopped...but I couldn't check due to my doctor being out of the office for the week. But now I'm not so sure, cause I found a purple bruise on my arm. I went a week without dosing (cause I didn't want to get dumb again), and then re-dosed last night..... Which I kind of feel like it pulled my count down.
I don't know what to do... I feel SO not on point these days. Dosing.. Not dosing... It doesn't seem to make the biggest difference... I'm perpetually dumb now. :P

And on a different note, Jackson has a BUNCH of fur ripped from his legs. The poor boy. I have no idea what happened... I went over to my folks place and mom and I cleaned him up and trimmed some of his hair to help him heal. He'll live....but it'll be a painful healing process. It all left me with this really strange feeling....sad....upset....unsure. It's hard to explain... I hope the week goes uphill from here....

LM3!

Perfect timing getting my LM3..... let's see how this works out now.

I've been noticing more recently that everything is a bit wonky (mentally). My vision is definitely worse.... memory recall is WAY more difficult... When I'm typing, sometimes I'll skip typing out words (though I'm thinking them in my head). The memory recall is the one that sticks out to me... It's kind of scary, actually. Coming up with names of people, movies, events...it's all much slower... It's like I need to de-frag my brain... Maybe having such low platelets for so long is taking it's toll (I've always wondered if that was a possibility....) I don't know.... I feel like there's something I need to do or say... or some piece of the puzzle is still missing. I STILL feel sick to my stomach....and that last episode was almost a week ago..... Everything keeps getting stuck in my system! BAH! What do I need to do?! This is bang your head against the wall maddening.

Coming out...

I've finally told my parents, so now I can openly talk about it here (though I don't know how often they read this, if at all, anyway).

I AM IN LOVE! Yes.... what I'm doing is culturally taboo, but I really don't care. I've finally found the man of my dreams (quite literally). He's everything I've ever wanted in a man....everything. No joke. He's funny, VERY smart, strong (like an ox I tell ya!), handsome, sexy, confident, compassionate, loves musicals, loves hiking/camping/adventures, is a great dancer, very manly...the list goes on. It's amazing. There are other incredible qualities that, if listed, would quickly make this blog X-rated.... so I'll leave that out. :)

What makes it taboo is that he's 50... but everyone who has ever known me knows that I'm attracted to older men (always have been).... The bigger taboo is that he has another girl friend, and the three of us live together.

I love it. We have an awesome family and things are working out great. She and I get along smashingly and love hanging out together (I got her hooked on Dr. Who...heheheheheheh). I'm at the point where I don't care what anyone thinks..... I'm happy, she's happy, he's happy. Most everyone I know is also happy for me/us.... my folks and Christian friends are having a harder time with it (same with her's).... The whole threesome thing is right up there with being a homosexual. But what to do. I have to live my life for me, not for other people. If it's a mistake (like they say), then it's one I'LL make and learn.

Okay.. anyway....

I had a fantastic gig in Merced last week, but ended up eating like crap and got a headache the next day...and then yesterday got another headache and ended up puking... and still feel crappy today. :P  I'm up to 9 drops of the LM2... I order the LM3 and it's on it's way.... hopefully it'll arrive soon.
OH! And speaking of h-pathy.. .some random person commented on two of my posts telling me how I shouldn't be posting about homeopathy because it's misleading for people who are looking for "real" treatment options. I'm sorry.... is this a professional blog? Am I giving medical advice? No.... This is my personal journey... If you don't like it, go away. Don't randomly show up and tell me I'm wrong and shouldn't be doing what I'm doing cause YOU don't like it/understand it. Grrrrr.

I was hoping that my "coming out" to my parents and the world would help things move along, but I still feel like something is stuck...and it's starting to drive me crazy. MOVE platelets!!! Move damn you!!!