Platelets, yard, Univera, and Learning to stop playing the victim

• First off, my platelet count was 55! Wild! Clearly, there is far more to everything than meets the eye.... it's not just *one* thing that is effecting my platelets... Or rather... my platelets are low because of a few things. And Scott is right... I have a LOT to learn before they'll go up. Which I think is what caused the jump.... I learned a lesson, then spent the whole day vomiting because it was so intense. I tell you what, though.. it is SO cool to have some more platelets!! I'm keep thinking, "Wow! That stopped bleeding fast!" like it's an unusual thing.

• The yard is MUCH closer to being done. Moving that dirt was madness! But I did it, and felt like a bad ass in the process. Our neighbor came out at one point and watched me for a second as I was pulling it across the driveway. I look up at him and he says, "Man... I would not want to meet you in a dark ally!" Hehehe.

• I'm now going into my third week of being on Univera. My sleep improved on the 4th day, and has been amazing since. If nothing else.... that's convenced me that at least SOMEthing works. And hot dog! FINALLY! I'm looking forward to sleeping again! It's been years.... years I tell ya! Since high school. No joke. Once college hit, my sleeping schedule got all funky with the occational all nighters... and I never slept well again. Or.... until I started Univera. HA! Listen to me.... I sound like I'm posting a comment on their site or something. Well anyway.. I'm looking forward to what else it fixes. The other things are things that will take longer, so I'm not giving up on it yet. 6 months. I'll give it 6 months.... if nothing else has changed, then I'll stop (and see if the good sleep holds). But let's cross that bridge when we get there...

So without going into detail... The lesson I've been learning lately (and by lately, I mean....yesterday and today), is to stop playing the victim. And I really mean it this time... I saw something last night (that I wrote in my private journal) that I've never seen before. I finally (after a year!) pealed away a layer of self-pitying...only to reveal a deeper, old, crusty layer of playing the victim. Which is similar...but worse...because being a victim parades itself around as a justified version of self-pity. And I've been this way my whole life.... so it's an oooooold habit. It feels like a parasite... something woven into the very fabric of my being... so much so that just the idea of trying to rid myself of it seems like I would be ripping a part of myself out in the process. Which of course is NOT true...but damn does it feel like it.

But recognition and acknowledgement are the first steps to shifting something within.