A new year, some more new me!

To start off this post, I found this from a post in June, 2011...talking about a dream I had (while backpacking in Tahoe):

"I can't remember any details, but I was falling in love with a man.. and he was going to be my husband. It was the first time ever that a dating/marriage type of dream wasn't just awkward and wrong feeling. (Normally, I ALWAYS feel uncomfortable, and thinking things like, "This isn't right..something is wrong." But not this time.) It was just wonderful and I was so in love with him. I don't remember his name, or what he looked like. I recall thinking that he reminded me a bit of my brother, and that's it. *sigh* I'm lonely and longing for a man...if you couldn't guess."

I just find that VERY interesting...because Scott is so much like Jesse, it's out of control. We joke about it from time to time... He even has a scar on his eyebrow. Crazy times.

Me explaining to Jess how the game worked...
He wasn't pleased.

Christmas was fun, and the winter break didn't last long enough this time around. We spent time with the family in Holister, and I had a great conversation with my cousin Jenny..it was just starting to get REALLY good when I was pulled away by the folks needing/wanting to leave, which was kind of a bummer. We were talking about Scott and how much I've grown and health. :-)

One of three tree hangings

Our white elephant exchange was fun. Mom got these really awesome electric candles that look totally real and smell like vanilla. I wanted to steal it from her, but she wouldn't let me.... I ended up with chocolate covered fruit (which ended up staying with them). I need to steal one of those candles...

I threw this on my keyboard yelling,
"Feel like Christmas!"

At home, we decorated more than last year.. Steph and I were both struggling feeling like it was Christmas. But we got a little tree this year! And a beautiful wreath. I made door stoppers for Scott and earrings for Steph.. and got Jess a CUTEST stuffed Tiger, as well as a smoky quartz necklace.

Random shot of Steph and
I playing pool

Just last week I was majorly struggling... I don't even remember why. I had wanted to add a couch to office so badly, but Scott thought it would be better to put my time and money into a new computer, and keep the office how it was...afterall...it was totally fine before. :-) For some reason, that really triggered me, and I really struggled for a few days. But on Tuesday, I had a MAJOR break through.. and for the first time since being with him, I really felt his love. And it's not like he hasn't been loving me this whole time.. it's that I hadn't made space for it. I was nearly always feeling sorry for myself in some way, and when I do that, it's all about me... and that leaves no room for no one else, nor room to feel anyone else's love. So yeah... it's been even more amazing now than ever before. It's hilarious how this keeps happening... Struggles and breakthroughs... struggles and breakthroughs... If I keep this up, I will be a pretty incredible person in no time! (Even more than I am now? oooOOOOOooo. Okay. I'm a dork)


We did a read through of Jesse's "The Peddler." Dave commented after the first run that I had gotten a LOT better at it. I pointed out that it was because of my work with Scott and being more open and embodied. :-) Jesse noticed too.

I've also been working on our upcoming workshop, which has been exciting. And been working in 30 minute sprints...which has been VERY helpful. Speaking of which..I'm going to do one right now. :)

Changes....lots of them.....

I suppose it's a good thing I'm so busy that I only get to this blog every month or so... and I really have to make an effort just for that. (It's 11:40pm right now...so hopefully I make sense throughout this post...)

Sarah came into town for Thanksgiving and all that fun stuff. It was great to see and spend time with her.. but it definitely wasn't enough time. We had a good conversation, but it didn't feel finished.. (it kind of got interrupted, and we never found the chance to continue it). I'm a very different person, and it was kind of like she had to get to know me all over again.

As always, Thanksgiving was full of adventures. The first was the day for Thanksgiving, over at Rob and Julliana's....when she went into labor and gave birth to her daughter a mere 5 minutes after showing up at the hospital. It was all quite exciting. Then the adventure continued down in Holister... Jess and I drove separate and had some really good conversation. And of course the time with family was fun...especially playing Tri-Bond... always hilarious. :)

I fixed the sprinikler and made it look all nice and perdy. Hehehe. I actually need to now move two now...now that I'm totally re-modeling the front yard.

This is the work in progress of the front bit by the office... I'm actually finishing it tomorrow. -->

We finished the back yard!! Laying sod is a workout, for sure! We were all dead by the time we finished, but it looks GREAT!! The only rototilled a certain portion of it....but ended up with some extra pieces... so we just laid it down on the non-amended "bad" soil. Currently, it seems to be doing okay....but doesn't quite heal as quickly from walking on it. Only time will tell to see if all our work to get the soil good and rich actually means anything. 

We also ended up with a HUGE leaf barracade in the front, because the guys who were suppose to com

e pick it up were taking their sweet time..... so the pile just grew and grew with every day. Leaves were falling like snow. At one point, WHILE I was raking...leaves were falling. It was pure comedy. :)

Art let me direct the Jazz Choir for two tunes on our concert. That was a lot of fun. :) Clearly...you can see it in my face. Hehehehehehehehhehe

I started jogging again just a few days ago. I've been listening to my body more... going to the workshop "Re-Visioning Your Year from the Inside Out" really helped with that. It was intense! I was so exhausted by the end of it... Lots of emotional energy moving...stuff being exposed... all that fun stuff. Anyway... so yeah.. listening to my body = more exercise. And it feels really good.

Steph and I went to Apple Hill over the weekend... it was unfortunately a little late in the season, so most things were closed. But we still had fun and I got a little hair thingy that I totally love. (And then afterwards we braved the Folsom Outlets and I got some new pants, boots, a jacket, and a few winter shirts/sweaters). I like this look and this change. I feel like I'm starting to look like the person I want to be...and slowly feeling like it. A ways off still...but better.. much better.

As for Univera...so far the only improvement (still) is REALLY good sleep. I mean.. that's kind of a big deal, since my sleeping has been horrible for the past 10 years. But I've got a lot of other issues that I'm hoping will work themselves out. We'll see. I'm giving it 6 months.... If it seems like more healing is happening, I'll continue with it... But I'm not sure if the price is worth having amazing sleep. I mean.. it really is amazing. I sleep fantastically every night... and wake up totally refreshed and not feeling like I got hit by a mac-truck in the middle of the night. But for $150 a month?.... If that's the only thing. Yes? Maybe?.... We'll see. I've only been on it for 2 months...so plenty of time left to figure it out.

The current 'me' as of 12/23/13

Platelets, yard, Univera, and Learning to stop playing the victim

• First off, my platelet count was 55! Wild! Clearly, there is far more to everything than meets the eye.... it's not just *one* thing that is effecting my platelets... Or rather... my platelets are low because of a few things. And Scott is right... I have a LOT to learn before they'll go up. Which I think is what caused the jump.... I learned a lesson, then spent the whole day vomiting because it was so intense. I tell you what, though.. it is SO cool to have some more platelets!! I'm keep thinking, "Wow! That stopped bleeding fast!" like it's an unusual thing.

• The yard is MUCH closer to being done. Moving that dirt was madness! But I did it, and felt like a bad ass in the process. Our neighbor came out at one point and watched me for a second as I was pulling it across the driveway. I look up at him and he says, "Man... I would not want to meet you in a dark ally!" Hehehe.

• I'm now going into my third week of being on Univera. My sleep improved on the 4th day, and has been amazing since. If nothing else.... that's convenced me that at least SOMEthing works. And hot dog! FINALLY! I'm looking forward to sleeping again! It's been years.... years I tell ya! Since high school. No joke. Once college hit, my sleeping schedule got all funky with the occational all nighters... and I never slept well again. Or.... until I started Univera. HA! Listen to me.... I sound like I'm posting a comment on their site or something. Well anyway.. I'm looking forward to what else it fixes. The other things are things that will take longer, so I'm not giving up on it yet. 6 months. I'll give it 6 months.... if nothing else has changed, then I'll stop (and see if the good sleep holds). But let's cross that bridge when we get there...

So without going into detail... The lesson I've been learning lately (and by lately, I mean....yesterday and today), is to stop playing the victim. And I really mean it this time... I saw something last night (that I wrote in my private journal) that I've never seen before. I finally (after a year!) pealed away a layer of self-pitying...only to reveal a deeper, old, crusty layer of playing the victim. Which is similar...but worse...because being a victim parades itself around as a justified version of self-pity. And I've been this way my whole life.... so it's an oooooold habit. It feels like a parasite... something woven into the very fabric of my being... so much so that just the idea of trying to rid myself of it seems like I would be ripping a part of myself out in the process. Which of course is NOT true...but damn does it feel like it.

But recognition and acknowledgement are the first steps to shifting something within.

August and September recap (aka: someone's busy....)

• Jackson died...Hit by a car, it the guess. It was sad, but a relief at the same time..cause now I don't have to worry about him dying! HA!

• For Scott's birthday, we went to a hotspring for a few days.. As always, it was fabulous. And of course, I got car sick going and coming back. *facepalm* But man can we pack a car!!! Good thing I'm small!

• The teaching year started off...and started off VERY well. Scott has really been helping me not only with my own personal growth, but also with my classroom management. The combination of the two has made for a wonderful first semester... and I suspect it will only get better from here. 

• I'm singing the the vocal jazz ensemble at ARC and helping Art run the group. I love Art..it has a lot of fabulous things to say and teach.

• More curtain sewing! It never seems to end.

•  Had a gig in Merced with the pops orchestra. As per always, it was a hoot, and easy music. LOTS of jazz this time. :) ------->
  

• Got a commissioned by Dyne to compose him a piece. Rock on. It'll be a mix of jazz and contemporary classical.

• My right arm is really killing me. At first it was just in my finger..but then moved into my elbow..and is now hurting all the way into my shoulder. Ugh. I started taking this Univera stuff that Jess and Mom are getting into... so we'll see if that does anything.

• Still dancing..but not nearly as much as I'd like to. SO BUSY!!! BAH!! (And now-a-days, really sore to boot! Oh yard work...)

• I got my platelets checked on Friday.. results on Moday! (I have NO clue where they are... I had a serious energetic/emotional breakthrough a couple weeks ago before Scott's dad passed away... That might have done something... or might have not. Only one way to know!)

• The latest and greatest project has been the yard! Both front and back. I've been in charge of the front..... Maddness. I loath juniper bushes now... LOATH I say! 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

• Also the house is slowly, yet surly getting put together. This is the main bathroom... and the office is done too (though desperately needs to be cleaned)

• I really should write in this more... I kind of miss that. But goodness am I just so busy these days, I don't really think about it.

• I re-dosed my M1... just cause it had been MONTHS and I've been so tired and foggy brained lately... if nothing else, I felt dumb and clumsy the next day. *sigh* I really hope this Univera stuff does something...cause I'm losing hope fast.

  

  This is how out of it I've been....

  
  

  
  

  
   And I've been soil testing for the backyard.... that's been fun. It's like I'm back in science class. :)
  
  
  

Amazing dream and July recap

I had an incredible dream last night.... but before I get to that, a quick recap.

• The 4th of July was fabulous. We went to hang out with some friends (Joshua and Michel) and played games, watched street fireworks with their neighborhood, dipped in the pool, and learned a new card game: Dominion. (Quite fun....quite fun, indeed)

• The curtains are FINISHED!!! WHEEE! Cause that didn't take forever......

• AND I put up curtains in the office... all by myself!! It was HARD..... drilling into concrete is not easy...and a pain in the ass.

• I went to the State fair with mom...and we had a total blast. I got a pillow that vibrates when you lean against it... I got it for Scott for our 1 year anniversary (Okay....it's not technically when we started going out... that date is not defined since it slowly grew...
  
  So we picked the date when I first came over... Yes, some say that's cheating, but we both agreed on it and liked it...so there!). I also got a beautiful hair clip for Steph, and another for myself. And lastly, but not least, some reusable heating pads (the kind of heat up via chemical reaction. VERY cool). 

• Went to visit Jess for his 31st birthday.Good times, yet again! He didn't think anyone knew or was planning anything, but a friend of his had formed a little surprise party for him. And I was in on it.... So he was in another friends apartment, cleaning it up, and I tell him I'm in need of coffee (which was true...I had a headache and needed caffeine).
  
  He suggested (as I knew he would) to go get some from B.J.... which was where everyone was waiting. I go over and inform everyone what was going on. Then go back... and one by one, everyone knocks on the door about 10 seconds apart. Jess keeps saying, "Come in!" as he's cleaning....totally unaware of what is going on. Finally, after the 4th person, everyone piles in singing happy birthday, hold a cake and lights a match since no one had a candle. It was very sweet, and I could tell he loved it. Then the rest of the evening was the usual Jesse bash.

• Then Scott and Steph came a few days later, and we celebrated Steph's birthday! And of course, the evening started out with a flat tire, and the men to the rescue! Then we ended up just re-parking and walking instead. *facepalm* And ended up walking more than we thought...and turns out the person we wanted to visit wasn't there....so then ended up eating in this quaint hole-in-the-wall Mexican place. Then the rest of the evening is history. :)

We started doing family meetings/processing. Last night was the second night, and it's been fabulous. And I think the cause for this little bit of dream:

I was in a house that felt like home (not sure where), and I heard a wolf  howling. I poked my head outside I saw a grey wolf by the corner of the house, looking at me...waiting for me. I went back in and heard another howl...and when I looked again, this time it was a white wolf...looking and waiting. And I can't remember when exactly I did this, but I started howling with them, and there was the sense of longing and peace at the same time. Then I went outside and there were a bunch of wolves, dogs, cats, etc., out there waiting for me. They were having some kind of very important meeting, and waiting for me to be there cause I was one of them. I remember them looking at me and it was like I was looking into my own eyes. It all felt SO incredibly meaningful. Normally my dreams don't...but when they do, it really is something.

Poll dancing class!

That's right.. you read that correctly. Poll dancing class! There was a groupon for it, and I've heard from multiple people how fun it is, and a fabulous workout. So Steph and I got the deal, and tonight was our first night doing it.... And indeed.. it was fun and a fabulous workout. The teacher there was awesome! So sweet and cool and BUFF. I was worried everyone there would be stuck up bitches (for lack of a better term), but that was so not the case. Everyone was laughing and giggling and having a blast. And oh my goodness, what a workout! My arms are shaking.. My ass is sore. My hands are sore. It's fantastic.
We have 4 more classes to go! Wheeeee!!

Napping Alien dream...yet again...

What's with the aliens in my dreams!?!?

So this was a napping dream, which are always bizarre and interesting... And unfortunately just too bizarre to explain the beginning stuff... though I'll try: There was this guy (who was Sylar from Heros) who was kidnapping girls... and if felt a little post apocalyptic. Steph and I were the first... and somehow he managed to do it by himself without a car or ropes.. Just him and a gun. Details are SUPER vague. But he was taking us somewhere... And I had to go through a bunch of locked doors.... and finally came to this nice reception area. The first thing I saw of the receptionist was that she had 6 fingers, with acrylic red and white nails... And then I realized those finger tips grew from only three fingers.... each one having two finger tips... And then I looked at her face, and she had three eyes and fair skin... And thin, tight lips. She almost looked human, save for the odd number of appendages and eyes. She was the receptionist for a type of brothel/underground strip club..and we were at the head quarters, and my assignment was to make a new, interesting poll for the strippers.
She casually gestured with a hand as she led me to where I'd be working, "A poll with invisible dildos or something like that..." (I'm not kidding... she said that).

And then I woke up.

The end.

Time for bed... hehehehhehe