Giving up

I think I've given up on H-pathy. Every time I dose, I feel dumb and unbalanced ...so I don't want to dose any more.... And then I think to myself, "Like it was doing any good anyway..."
It's been over two years since I started..... And on Monday it'll be three years since being diagnosed.
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and getting nothing. I'm tired of hoping and waiting and getting nothing. My count was the same as it was when I started....the same as it was three years ago. There's no up and down swing.... it's just... down. Three years of low platelets.... three years of not being able to do everything I want to do because of that. Three YEARS. How much longer can I take this? I don't want to give up...but I'm just so tired of it. I'm exhausted.... mentally.... emotionally. Everyday I think about my platelets. Every fucking day...and that's not exaggerating.
This rant feels very drama high school..... but it's how I'm feeling right now.. so there. :P

Proving perhaps?

So I took the LM3 twice and felt dumb as a brick..... and once I stopped, it seemed to help. (I also stopped eating gluten....which is a for sure no no now.... And it might have been a contributing factor). It certainly seemed like my count went up after I stopped...but I couldn't check due to my doctor being out of the office for the week. But now I'm not so sure, cause I found a purple bruise on my arm. I went a week without dosing (cause I didn't want to get dumb again), and then re-dosed last night..... Which I kind of feel like it pulled my count down.
I don't know what to do... I feel SO not on point these days. Dosing.. Not dosing... It doesn't seem to make the biggest difference... I'm perpetually dumb now. :P

And on a different note, Jackson has a BUNCH of fur ripped from his legs. The poor boy. I have no idea what happened... I went over to my folks place and mom and I cleaned him up and trimmed some of his hair to help him heal. He'll live....but it'll be a painful healing process. It all left me with this really strange feeling....sad....upset....unsure. It's hard to explain... I hope the week goes uphill from here....

LM3!

Perfect timing getting my LM3..... let's see how this works out now.

I've been noticing more recently that everything is a bit wonky (mentally). My vision is definitely worse.... memory recall is WAY more difficult... When I'm typing, sometimes I'll skip typing out words (though I'm thinking them in my head). The memory recall is the one that sticks out to me... It's kind of scary, actually. Coming up with names of people, movies, events...it's all much slower... It's like I need to de-frag my brain... Maybe having such low platelets for so long is taking it's toll (I've always wondered if that was a possibility....) I don't know.... I feel like there's something I need to do or say... or some piece of the puzzle is still missing. I STILL feel sick to my stomach....and that last episode was almost a week ago..... Everything keeps getting stuck in my system! BAH! What do I need to do?! This is bang your head against the wall maddening.

Coming out...

I've finally told my parents, so now I can openly talk about it here (though I don't know how often they read this, if at all, anyway).

I AM IN LOVE! Yes.... what I'm doing is culturally taboo, but I really don't care. I've finally found the man of my dreams (quite literally). He's everything I've ever wanted in a man....everything. No joke. He's funny, VERY smart, strong (like an ox I tell ya!), handsome, sexy, confident, compassionate, loves musicals, loves hiking/camping/adventures, is a great dancer, very manly...the list goes on. It's amazing. There are other incredible qualities that, if listed, would quickly make this blog X-rated.... so I'll leave that out. :)

What makes it taboo is that he's 50... but everyone who has ever known me knows that I'm attracted to older men (always have been).... The bigger taboo is that he has another girl friend, and the three of us live together.

I love it. We have an awesome family and things are working out great. She and I get along smashingly and love hanging out together (I got her hooked on Dr. Who...heheheheheheh). I'm at the point where I don't care what anyone thinks..... I'm happy, she's happy, he's happy. Most everyone I know is also happy for me/us.... my folks and Christian friends are having a harder time with it (same with her's).... The whole threesome thing is right up there with being a homosexual. But what to do. I have to live my life for me, not for other people. If it's a mistake (like they say), then it's one I'LL make and learn.

Okay.. anyway....

I had a fantastic gig in Merced last week, but ended up eating like crap and got a headache the next day...and then yesterday got another headache and ended up puking... and still feel crappy today. :P  I'm up to 9 drops of the LM2... I order the LM3 and it's on it's way.... hopefully it'll arrive soon.
OH! And speaking of h-pathy.. .some random person commented on two of my posts telling me how I shouldn't be posting about homeopathy because it's misleading for people who are looking for "real" treatment options. I'm sorry.... is this a professional blog? Am I giving medical advice? No.... This is my personal journey... If you don't like it, go away. Don't randomly show up and tell me I'm wrong and shouldn't be doing what I'm doing cause YOU don't like it/understand it. Grrrrr.

I was hoping that my "coming out" to my parents and the world would help things move along, but I still feel like something is stuck...and it's starting to drive me crazy. MOVE platelets!!! Move damn you!!!

Fantastic Christmas

Well it has been a busy month! My kids did a great job at their winter concert..and the principle is quite happy with me. :) And I keep getting other random students coming up to me saying how they want to join... I have a feeling we'll have a huge choir in a few years. Mwahahahha.

I got sick over a week ago with a cough and it's being extremely stubborn.... It feels like it's just stuck in my chest. That seems to be a theme lately... being stuck..... my platelets are definitely stuck. There's no point in checking them.... they're low still, I'm sure of it. :(  This March will mark the 3 year anniversary of being diagnosed. And Feb will make the 2 year of h-pathy. And still nothing. Stuck. Absolutely stuck. Can someone please dislodge what ever needs to be dislodged from my being so I can HEAL. It's really exhausting. I'm getting tired.

In other..better...news: I got a fuzzy fox/wolf hat from Steph for Christmas. It's awesome. I posted this picture on FB and my students want me to wear it to school. Hehehehe. We all had an amazing dinner, opened presents  and played Wii. Really nice Christmas this year. Low key...and good times with wonderful people.

Well that's a disappointing number....not to mention shocking..

I have to say... a part of me was not surprised... a small part. Somehow I knew it was low..though I wanted to deny it, thinking maybe if I THOUGHT a higher number, that would somehow make it so. Alas...that is not the case.
19.
Really? ... Damn.
I wanted to burst into tears at first... Back into the teens? It's been almost three years now, and I'm almost back to where I started. :P Not a fun feeling to say the least.
HOWEVER...
I am using this as a butt gear kicker and motivator. I was slacking off with exercise and sneaking sugar and gluten and dairy and meat and oil and salt back into my eating. Granted... it's still NOTHING close to how bad I used to eat.. but it was sneaking in, none-the-less. I used the fact that I was treating myself with homeopathy as an excuse (for whatever reason)... thinking that it wasn't what I was eating, cause it didn't seem like it was effecting me. Well now... clearly I'm doing something wrong..... Something very....very....wrong.
Man this sucks, though. A part of me wants to fall on the floor and totally give up... another part wants to fight. The rain and cold does not help the fighter.... *facepalm*

Sick and re-dosed

Yeeaaahhhh... Who had some apple pie? All sugary and white floury....? That'd be me. And who got sick the next day? Of course... me.
So now I have a cold. :P
And I re-dosed last night. 1 drop.